thanksgiving

It was a good thanksgiving. I loved seeing my family and getting to spend time with my grandmas. I haven't seen them in a while. I guess I'm a little tired of people in general though and today's been good just to veg and chill with Sharon. I guess I didn't get as much time as I'd have liked to reflect on the things that I'm thankful for but I'm feeling pretty thankful. God really loves us. We have to know that God really loves us. Oh, and I posted a couple new pictures from the week. Hope you enjoy.

church hunting

I went to a new church this morning. I am amazed that I am actually having motivation to go church hunting. It's a really hard thing though, there are so many things about the church that I saw this morning that pissed me off. I often feel like no matter where I go, I will not be satisfied with any church. I think that's true to some degree, but there has to be a church that I at least don't mind being a part of. A church like that has to exist.

One thing that really bothered me this morning was that the sermon was on "being an appreciated gift". This brings up memories of a sermon that Krislin and I heard a couple months ago in Palos Verdes. Good thing the sermon this morning was not actually about being an appreciated gift at all because it had nothing to do with being appreciated. The title still rubbed me the wrong way. We all want to be appreciated, but we can't make other people appreciate us, and that's not what it should be about anyway. The pastor did call Jesus the ultimate appreciated gift, and Jesus was totally unappreciated. He was hated and spurned even by the people closest to Him. The rest of the sermon was actually okay. He preached out of Romans 12 and made the huge leap that being an appreciated gift meant living a life worthy of the grace we've recieved. So the rest of the sermon was about that. Another thing that was hard was that he was talking about authenticity. Authenticity is something that I've been feeling is lacking in the Christian church. To me, authenticity means that you're real with people, that you let people in on what's actually going on inside of you. He preached that following Romans 12:14-21 makes you an authentic Christian. Read Romans 12:14-21 and tell me, who the hell is actually like that?

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary:

"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

If you are like that then I'm sorry for offending you, but I definitely am not. I think we need to strive for it, train to become the people that are actually like that on the inside. But I'm not pretending that that's what it's like to be an authentic Christian. We're gonna fail, so I think being authentic means coming clean with those failures. I think that's what brings people together, not fake politeness and hospitality.

I understand that the Pastor wasn't really teaching anything wrong per se. I just feel like he wasn't covering all his bases. I know I can't expect pastors to always cover their bases, then they'd be talking forever. I mean there's a reason they only preach on a little thing every week. Maybe he'll cover the whole "fakeness of the church" thing in some other sermon. I think I have to actually meet and get to know a pastor well. I tend to have a pretty low level of respect for pastors in general, maybe because I have high expectations of them because they have a large influence in people's lives, and they never live up to my expectations. Wow, this post brought up a lot of stuff for me that was a little unexpected.

I know I'm critical and judgemental, and I'm praying against that all the time, God kinda overcame it this morning in the service. I feel like I was able to take good things from it (I know I didn't really talk about the good things in this post). I guess that makes me even more confused. I can't tell if I liked the church today or hated it. I am sure that I don't want to belong there though, and I guess that's enough for me. I have to say though that it made me think and reflect on what it means to be a Christian and seek God because of how I disagreed with things. That's definitely something I should do more often. Anyway, I guess we'll try the church hunting again next week.

Sorry for all this ranting, although it is my blog and I can post whatever I want and you can choose to read it or not :). Thanks for reading it though if you still are, I am really thankful that there are people that care to read about my life. I love you guys.

why bother?

So yesterday I spend an hour and a half washing my car. Today it's covered with a layer of grossness again. You gotta love Southern california air. Makes me afraid to breathe sometimes. Anyway, it was clean, and you gotta give me some credit for trying to take care of it. My car still doesn't have a name. It seems I'm terrible about that. I've been calling it "baby" like all the other inanimate objects I talk to. So anyway, I'm still taking suggestions.

Let's see, what else is new? I get to see my family this weekend. It's been a while since I've seen my dad and both grandmas (my mom came to visit me twice in the last 6 months). I'm pretty excited about that. Not too much else going on I guess. I am vowing to stop blogging about job stuff until I decide because I realize that all I do is complain about it.

Oh! I have been praying more lately. That was another good thing about visiting Brian, I got to pray with him and since then we're kinda keeping each other accountable to pray for certain things. Thanks babe! I need to be better about it anyway I'm realizing. I feel like I've forgotten how powerful prayer is in changing our hearts when they need to be changed and in seeing God move in crazy ways. :)

better

feeling lots better since yesterday . . . seems like there's some serious spiritual warfare stuff going on down here. Thanks for all the prayers! Still need to decide about the job situation. Sigh, seems like that will never be over. I guess not much else to note. Happy belated birthday to Phil, Greg, Sharon, and Ethan!

overwhelmed

I guess there's a lot to write. I hate it because I don't have anything figured out, so I think all that's going to come out is a incoherent mess, but that seems to be how it always is.

I went to visit Brian in Medford this last week, just got back last night. His grandfather passed away last thursday. It was amazing to see how much good God was doing through it. Brian's grandpa was a great man and his life impacted so many people. I am very blessed to have been able to witness that as I mourned and celebrated with the family. As Brian and I were praying the last night I was there, he prayed that we would be able to have a life even half as amazing as his grandfather's, to be able to touch people that way. I keep praying that prayer.

I also feel like God really wanted to bring up for me the struggle that I have in trusting Him with my family. I am still struggling, but I know that I still need to wrestle with it. It was good to get to really think and pray about it in the last week. Please pray that God will show me something, that I can understand what I need to or trust what I know of God.

My life seems more confusing than ever now. Somehow I thought going to visit Brian would settle some things. I have a lot to think about. Coming back here doesn't seem to be helping much. There's so much going on here that it seems I don't even have time to think. I've been fighting being overwhelmed since I got here last night and I seem to be losing that battle. It was really good to spend time with Brian and his family, to experience life with them, but now that all seems so far away and life is so different now, just a day later. I am finding it really hard to trust and am feeling a little impatient. I'm supposed to make my job decision very very soon even though I feel like I've already made it. I really need God's perspective because I feel so overwhelmed, I miss having peace. Please pray for me.

death

I guess I've been feeling pretty reflective the last couple days. Brian got back home on Sunday night and then yesterday morning his grandpa had a heart attack and it seems he won't last much longer. It seems like a lot to deal with for Brian but he's taking it really well. I think it's harder for me than for him. Since I heard about it, I feel like I keep reliving my grandpa's death, reliving the loss I've felt when people in my family have died. I've been thinking a lot about my grandpas and my great grandma. I miss them.

It's strange because on sunday afternoon, before all this happened, I went to go visit my great aunty who was in town visiting Jean and we went for a walk. During the walk, she started singing this japanese children's song "otete tsunaide . . ." Then she said that the last time my great grandma was in the hospital, my great aunt was wheeling her around in a wheelchair and my great grandma was singing that song. Imagine that, a 97-year old woman singing a japanese children's song :). My great aunt said that she knew that she was going to go soon, and she knew she would remember that moment; wheeling her around and hearing her sing that song as she sat in the wheelchair. The last time I saw her before she died was 4 months earlier at New Year's and I got to spend a couple hours just with her. I wish I could do it again. My mom's sister went to visit her about a month before she died and she decided for some reason that it would be a good idea for her to call all of the great grandkids and have us get to talk to our great grandma. I never really talked to my great grandma on the phone because I didn't know enough japanese to converse and she didn't know enough english either. When we were in the same place though, It didn't seem to matter, we could communicate just fine with our expressions (mostly smiles and laughter). It was weird saying hi to her on the phone and having her guess who I was. I didn't know then that it would be the last time I'd ever talk to her.

My grandpa's death was even harder. He had pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed one thanksgiving. We spent thanksgiving night that year in the hopsital dining hall. He seemed to be fighting it alright after that until a year later when he had a stroke, a couple days before thanksgiving again. It was all downhill from there. He ended up dying on December 23rd, 2 days before Christmas. When we knew there was no hope left to treat him, my grandma decided to put him in a hospice and stop feeding him so that he could just die quicker, without as much pain. Even then, he lasted 2 weeks. We went in to see him every day, and every day he got weaker and weaker. In the beginning, he could let you know he knew you were there. He'd squeeze your hand and you could see tears running down his face when you talked to him. By the end, he couldn't do anything. But I feel like I knew he still knew we were there. He held on till the end. I think he was afraid to leave us, he was afraid that we wouldn't be okay without him. I remember my grandma telling him that she was ready to let him go, that he should just go. Then he went.

I don't know where they are now. I don't know if I will ever see them again. I trust in the God I love though. I choose to trust. Please help me to trust.

crazy weekend

This was a crazy weekend. The EIT, halloween, daylight savings time change, and the Golf Tournament. Crazy. The last 3 days I woke up at 5:30am, 6:15am, 6:00am. This is me we're talking about. Don't worry, my schedule is almost back to normal now.

So for the test, I guess there are probably some people that are still wondering how it went, although some of you have already talked to me. The first half was alright, but the second 4 hour session was painful. I almost fell asleep like 10 times and actually had to take a little "nap" in the middle of it because I couldn't think anymore. It was weird too cuz both Sharon and I forgot to bring watches, so I had no sense of what time it was throughout the whole test. Oh well, I think I passed, and it is over. Hooray! I can't believe that test screwed up my sleep schedule so much though. I was tired till yesterday because of it.

Halloween was fun. I went trick-or-treating with Jean and Lauren. I kinda went as a parent. Weird. Also, this was the first time I was really experiencing halloween in 5 years cuz in college, it's like there are parties and trick-or-drink, but no kids and the trick-or-treating. It was weird. There were so many kids in the neighborhood and Lauren and her friends were die-hard trick-or-treaters. We were out there for 2 hours. She ended up with 5.5 pounds of candy. It's kinda sad because she's allergic to chocolate so she can't eat most of that, but it was intense. I was very tired after that too :).

Then yesterday was the golf tournament that my working place has been preparing for for the last month. It was amazing. There were 130 golfers. It was at the Riviera Country Club. It was the first time I have ever been on a golf course and it got to be at the Riviera Country Club. It was beautiful. I don't exactly know how to describe the day and all my feelings. We did a lot of damage control and figuring out how to fix problems on the fly. I felt a little weird because everyone there was like extremely rich, and some of them knew that they were extremely rich and so had a lot of power. There have been lots of thoughts floating around in my head since then. Hmm.

I now have 3 job options. Please continue to pray for me with that because I have no idea what to do. I realize that the decision isn't really that important, but there seems to be a lot of pressure in a lot of different directions and I just want to be able to make a decision that I feel good about and not stress out. I don't think I am doing too well at not stressing out.

Today, I'm taking the day off and Sharon and I are going to see "Shall We Dance". I'm excited :). I should be getting more of a life back now because the test is over. Hooray! I don't really know what else to say. Everything's still a little jumbled in my brain. There were lots of other random thoughts I had this weekend that I want to write about sometime, but they're gonna have to wait.