i wanna dance!

New Camera :)

2008-04-16T22:12:00.000-07:00

So we got the new camera. Even though we've been debating about it for a while, it was kind of a spur of the moment thing to actually order it. We decided to go with the Canon Rebel xTi, the least expensive of the 3 cameras we were debating on. I really wanted to get the full frame 5D, but realized that buying that with a decent lens was going to run us more than 4 times what we ended up paying for the xTi. I figure, when we eventually invest in a nice lens later on, we'll get one that is compatible with the full frame cameras and will be able to upgrade if I feel like it's necessary.

We had the camera on our recent trip to visit Brian's family. I must have bugged the heck out of them, sticking a camera in their face for a lot of the time we were there.

So far, I love it! There are things that bother me a little, like the fact that you can't see a preview of the picture on the LCD before you take it, so you can't tell how tweaking the white balance, shutter speeds, and ISO settings are going to effect the picture untill after you take it. This makes it take longer to get a good shot.

It is leagues above our previous camera though, so I am pretty happy. Check out some of the pictures I took on the flickr site:

http:\\www.flickr.com\iwannadance

I would post a bunch of them up here, but I don't want to have to resize them and go through the hassle of uploading them again. :) I'm terrible, I know.

I really want more practice with taking portraits, so if anyone would like to volunteer their time to sit for me, let me know. I will be very appreciative.

Rest in Peace our little Mikey

2008-03-28T16:54:00.000-07:00

My mom told me that our dog Mikey had to be put to sleep last night. I don't know how I really feel about it. I've been pretty busy since I found out, so I didn't let myself really think about what I'm feeling. I realize though that it's kind of been sitting at the back of my mind, bugging me. So I'm letting myself grieve the loss of my puppy. I'm remembering him to give him a good send off, to let him know that he is loved and will be remembered.

I was 12 and my sister was 9 when we went with my mom to see him for the first time. Someone had a litter of puppies and posted it at the vet. He was the runt and his leg was hurt because he had had a little accident. My sister and I thought he was the cutest one. And let me tell you, he was cute. So cute! Did I mention he was cute? Anyway, he was supposed to cost $3o, but we didn't have that much cash on us at the time. We searched the entire car for all the spare change we could find, and ended paying $27 and something cents, or something like that. After going to the pet store to pick up some dog food, we brought him home. And let me tell you, my dad was surprised. We had to promise that we were going to take care of him.

Reluctantly, my dad let us keep him. I wish I had the pictures of him we took when he was a little puppy, less than a foot long (and soooooo cute!). Brian promised me that the next time we go home to visit, we'll find those pictures and scan them.

Mikey was a constant in my life for the next 6 years. He was always there, and always wanted to spend time with us. More than we had time for him. :( I do feel bad about that. I know we didn't spend as much time with him as we should have, but my sister and I would always try to go out and play some of his favorite games with him. Most of them were games like my sister and I throwing something back and forth between us or kicking something back and forth between us, and Mikey trying to intercept it. He was really good at that, and wouldn't give it back unless he was distracted by something else. We also taught him a bunch of tricks. Sit, speak, dance, stay, shake, lay down, roll over. I think I taught him to roll over later in his life, so I don't think that saying that you can't teach old dogs new tricks is true. I was in the middle of teaching him to play dead during the times I visited home. He never quite got that one.

My sister and I were the ones to give him baths. We dreaded and loved those times. Dreaded because we would ALWAYS end up COMPLETELY soaked and smelling like dog after, but loved it because Mikey was so cute when we gave him a bath. Mikey hated baths. We would line the washing machine with towels and wash him in the basin right next to it. While we were putting the towels down, he would know a bath is coming so he'd huddle in a corner of the yard, looking like he was trying to make himself as small as he could. It would usually end up that one of us would try to keep him in the basin while the other was washing. He did get out a couple times,a nd we'd have to chase him and carry the soaked muddy dog back into the basin. And he always looked like a drowned rat. As a shetland sheepdog, he's normally kind of poofy, but when he got wet, he looked so scrawny, and CUTE! After washing, we'd let him jump up onto the washing machine and we'd alternate rubbing all over with towels and letting him shake. When he would shake, we would hold up towels in front of our faces to shield us from the dog water, but my sister and I would try to get him to shake while the other one didn't have her towel up. It was so much fun. Sometimes while he was on the washing machine, we'd dress him up, putting funny hats on him (at that time, it wasn't such a common thing to see dogs wearing clothes) and taking pictures. He absolutely hated it. And he would totally suck up to us to try to get us to let him down. he'd tuck his head into my neck and lick my face, and give me the cutest look. We would eventually let him down, and he'd scamper off and roll in the dirt and run back to us like he was saying, "was all that trouble worth it?".

What I loved about him the most though, was that you could tell he was happy to see us, and be with us. When he was being pet by us or chased around, or on a walk, or being fed by us, he was a very very happy, content dog. Being able to make someone look so content and happy by putting my hand on their head is a very nice feeling.

I'm glad I wasn't home to be part of deciding to put him to sleep, although I would have liked to say goodbye somehow. He was a pretty old dog. He was 14, which is pretty old by dog standards. But if I were there watching them feed him an entire bag of treats as his last meal, I would be bawling my eyes out. My mom was in tears when she called me last night, and I am now as I'm writing this. He was a very good dog. He was a great guard dog, and so loving and spunky and I'm gonna miss him.

I'm not going to presume I know what happens to animals after they die, but wherever you are Mikey, I hope you aren't too bored, and are getting a lot of treats and belly rubs.

last night . . .

2008-03-17T18:50:00.000-07:00

I was belting out almost every single word of 23 matchbox twenty songs with a ton of other fans while hearing them perform live. It was wonderful even with a cranky guy yelling at us to sit down. :) Yay matchbox!

Yum!

2008-03-02T20:11:00.001-08:00

my poor baby

2008-02-22T10:30:00.000-08:00

So my laptop died a couple weeks ago. I was going to blog about it sooner, but it got busy and I accidentally took some of the pictures in raw format and had to install some camera software.

Anyway, what happened was the little jack where the adapter plugs into broke off. And since my battery does not hold a charge, my laptop pretty much died because it wasn't plugged into the wall anymore. Since it is no longer under warranty, Brian and I undertook the daunting task of trying to fix it.

Here's a picture of my laptop in pieces.

We had to actually take it apart more because we couldn't remove the broken existing jack without taking the motherboard off.

Here are all the screws that used to hold my laptop together.

After 3 or 4 hours of taking the laptop apart, we were ready to attempt to fix it. We went to Fry's and Radio Shack to try to find a jack that was the right size, but to no avail. It would just be too easy if we could find the right part at the store. So in the end we went with some jack that Brian had in one of his junk boxes. After removing the broken jack, we soldered two wires into the motherboard, and then pulled them through the open hole in the back of the laptop where the adapter plug usually goes. We then tried out Brian's new heat shrink gun to try to protect the wires, and then soldered the ends onto the jack.

Here is a picture of the final product.

We did end up adding some electrical tape around the jack and the bare wire for more protection, and so I don't get shocked.

We turned it on and . . .

It worked!

For the most part. We discovered that the Q, E, I, S, H, and ENTER keys were not functional. We took it apart again and checked the keyboard connection, but they still didn't work. We did bend the keyboard quite a bit to get it out in the first place, so that might have broke it. But we just plugged in an external keyboard, and it does just fine. Hopefully it will run okay for a little while longer. I don't want to invest in a new one quite yet. I'm getting my new camera first!

flickr again

2008-02-03T21:07:00.000-08:00

Alright, so I figured out how to make the link to my flickr page a little more intuitive and not just a bunch of random numbers. Here's the new and easier to remember link:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/iwannadance/

I just put up a few pictures of the kids in our life group. We went to a little superbowl party today at Howard and Doran's. It was fun. I didn't watch too much of the superbowl, mostly kids. I think that's a much better way of spending my time.

Oh, I wonder who won. Maybe I should look it up now. Talk to you guys later.

flickr

2008-02-01T17:05:00.000-08:00

Oh, I started a flickr site. I've been playing around with pictures a little more lately, and I really really really really want to get a new camera sometime this year. (You should ask Brian, I think I've been bringing it up like 10 times a day) Anyway, we'll see . . .

Eventually, I want to embed the photostream in this blog, but I can't quite figure it out at the moment. So for now, here's the link:

http://flickr.com/photos/23090509@N02/

I don't have much up there right now, but I'll try to add more as I take them.

elections

2008-02-01T16:40:00.000-08:00

There's not much for me to say here. I'm frustrated at all the campaigning. I feel like it wastes tons of money, tends to bring people down to an undignified level, and it causes a lot of conflict that I don't think needs to be there.

Anyway, I think I'm voting for Obama (seeing as independents, we can't vote in the republican primary anymore). Hillary's gone a little too far with the mudslinging.

Brian and I were discussing it last night and I asked him his thoughts on the candidates and the main differences between Obama and Clinton. Brian said that what stands out the most to him is that Obama supports net neutrality and is the only candidate he's heard that has a stance on technology.

I shouldn't be surprised.

I'm not saying it's not an important issue, but that is SO TOTALLY Brian.

What's going on?

2008-01-22T22:52:00.001-08:00

Okay, this is going to be one of those weird posts, so those of you who only want to read deep or uplifting reflections, you can tune out now.

Anyway, first Jonathan Brandis, then Brad Renfro, and now Heath Ledger? Is every teenage heartthrob I have have ever had a crush on going to be found dead in their apartment? Weird.

Anne Shirley

2008-01-17T17:42:00.000-08:00

I love reading about Anne. I just started reading about Anne of Green Gables last year and now I'm on my 4th book, "Anne's House of Dreams", having quickly read through Anne of Avonlea and Anne of the Island in less than a month. (I have also discovered that all of these books are in the public domain now, so I don't even need to go to the library to get them). Anyway, most girls have read through these books in elementary school, but not me. I guess I must of just missed them. I'm really glad though that I haven't discovered Anne until now, because as a child, I don't think I could have appreciated it as much.

Reading about Anne gives me comfort and, I think, a new way of seeing the world. It helps me feel not so bad that I haven't completely grown up yet. To me, the books are full of little "life lessons", shown through letting us into the everyday and not so everyday glimpses of Anne's life. She may be a little over-dramatic and over-romantic at times, but reading these books makes me feel all warm inside -- and glad to be alive watching the sunset outside my window.

Guilt

2008-01-13T12:13:00.000-08:00

One of the gifts from my mother-in-law this Christmas was a book. She reads a lot of Christian literature books. She told me that this one in particular has been really helpful for her, especially when she finds it hard to come up with words to pray. It's been a really long time since I've read a Christian literature book (this is a different issue, and maybe I'll discuss it at a later time). Anyway, The book she gave me is, Praying God's Word by Beth Moore. I guess it's a companion book to a seminar series she's giving called Breaking Free. The book has different chapters on overcoming different chronic sins that we face, including: idolatry, unbelief, pride, deception, insecurity, rejection, addiction, food-related strongholds, ongoing feelings of guilt, unforgiveness, depression, and sexual strongholds.

Each chapter begins with a little bit of an explanation of the sin, where it stems from and how we get trapped in it. The chapters then go on to give many scripture based prayers about that particular sin as a starting point for you to pray for your forgiveness and healing.

This morning I didn't go to church because I wasn't feeling very well, but Brian did. And while I was home by myself this morning, I was feeling like I really wanted to be close to God. I've been in a little bit of a funk lately, so I was surprised by my level of motivation to really do something. So anyway, I picked up this book. I read through the chapter on overcoming ongoing feelings of guilt seeing that it's definitely something that I struggle with. It might stem from my Asian upbringing, but when I do something wrong, the feelings of guilt weigh me down long after I confess it.

My time with God this morning struck me. Maybe not as deeply as I would have expected or desired, but it was significant, and I thought that writing this stuff down and even sharing it with all of you would be helpful for me.

In the book, Beth Moore is very clear about the issue of ongoing feelings of guilt: "Never in all of Scripture does Christ resist the repentant sinner. He resisted the proud and the self-righteous religious, but never the humble and repentant. Indeed, forgiveness is why He came. When we approach God in genuine repentance, taking full responsibility for our own sins, our prison doors swing open. Tragically, we could sit right there in our prison cells for the next five years in torment if we don't stand on God's promises and walk forward in His truth. Since Satan knows that forgiveness leads to freedom, he takes on the role of tormentor, taunting us with guilt and condemnation. If Christ has forgiven us, he [Satan] does everything he can to see to it that we don't forgive ourselves."

I came to many realizations while reading this chapter. One of which is how complicated I try to make things. When I read that paragraph, it sounds so clear and uncomplicated, but when I think about my sin, forgiveness, and being healed, there's all this mess. I doubt God's truth and keep asking myself "is it really possible for me to turn my back on this sin and change?", "how can I believe it when everyone around me will still condemn me for what I've done?", "why was I created so messy to start with?".

Another realization I came to was how I use my "messiness" as an excuse to not take full responsibility for my sin. I think one thing that keeps me from letting go of the guilt is not fully repenting in the first place. I will feel wretched before God, and feel like I'm humbling myself and ask him to help me change, but I will have the mindset that I really can't help doing what I've done. That's just who I am. I make a lot of mistakes and I can't do anything about that. At the same time, many of these "mistakes" are made while I'm well aware that I'm doing something wrong. It's a horrible feeling. I need to take full responsibility because in the moment when I sin, I am choosing to sin, whether it is very hard to choose otherwise or not. Having an "I can't help it" mindset will keep me from accepting God's help and trusting in His power to free me.

Anyway, now that I've humbled myself before God and all of you, I am praying that I will be able to receive God's forgiveness and grace, that I will not blame God for my sin, and will not hold on to it any longer than I need to. While reading through the rest of the chapter, it surprised me how much scripture there is about this exact topic. It is really true that Jesus came to forgive us (again, this might seem very obvious to many people, it even seems obvious to me when I think about it). Old and New Testament are filled with verses about the forgiveness of God and His ability to make us new and clean.

Anyway, I am ending this blog entry with a pretty hopeful feeling. I am thankful that God has met me today. I know it is only me that is keeping Him from meeting me more often and in a deeper way. I do have hope though that it will get easier over time. There are a lot more chapters of this book that interest me and I'm excited (sort of) to read them (which is a start). Please pray for me if you are so inclined, that I will continue to grow toward God, and that it will get easier to spend time with Him and allow Him to move me. Thanks.

compliments anyone?

2007-04-12T20:32:00.000-07:00

This blogging thing is harder than I thought. There are always a ton of random stuff going around in my mind, but trying to find something to write down that is coherent is very difficult. Ask Brian. Right now I'm telling him that I'm getting all stressed out trying to write a blog entry. Maybe it will take a little time to get used to writing again and I should just try, cuz eventually I'll get back into the swing of things.

Okay, so here's something I've been kind of thinking about for a while. I dunno if it is terribly important, or very interesting, but it kind of came up today, so I thought I'd write about it.

I realize that I'm really bad at complimenting people.

Sometimes at work, I'll get random compliments - about my clothes or this or that, and maybe it shouldn't, but it does make me feel a little better about myself; it makes me feel a little more confident. Then I start to wonder why I don't compliment people. I mean if I think it's nice when other people compliment me, why don't I do it for other people? I realized that one reason that I don't do it is because I think it's too fake. Isn't that funny? I mean, other people might mean it when they do it, but if they don't mean it, I fall for it anyway. Another reason is because I feel like I have more important things to say. I think I'm a very practical person, and I tend to communicate that way. No room for fluff, just say what is important to say, especially at work. But don't get me wrong, I interact with people in a very friendly way. I even think they perceive me as very friendly, I just have a hard time complimenting others.

Anyway, the point of this is that I think I'm going to try to practice. But only when I really mean it. Only when I do notice something about someone else, and am thinking it anyway. Maybe it will make someone smile or something. That would be nice.

she's back!

2007-04-09T18:53:00.000-07:00

Hello my wonderful blog audience. Anyone still there? :)

Hmm. No matter. I'm back anyway.

This is my first post in a very long time, as you all have probably noticed. It is also my first post since I have gotten married (gasp!). So you're all probably asking yourselves why I'm posting again, or maybe you're asking yourselves why I stopped posting in the first place. I'll try my best to answer your questions.

If you read my last couple posts, you could maybe tell that I have kind of been in a rut. And I was also pretty busy for the last 6 months or so with getting married and stuff. In any case, I wasn't much in the mood for blogging.

My renewed motivation for blogging is coming about through realizing how passive I have been in the last couple years. I have just been going with the flow, and not being intentional about - well anything. If something came up, I would deal with it, and if something was fairly obviously the right choice, I would do it, but on the whole, I have been pretty inactive.

Yesterday was Easter Sunday. Brian and I were talking about things. I was feeling a lot of regret. Regret about the last couple years, regret about Lent this year because I don't feel like it went very well. I was feeling like I wanted to keep Lent going because I was feeling really down. I wanted to try to make up for it not going very well.

But now it is Easter . . . it's time to celebrate. Yesterday morning, I didn't feel too much like celebrating let me tell you (it didn't help that it was so gloomy outside). I really didn't know how you're supposed to do it - just celebrate all of a sudden, after being down for so long.

I realized after a little bit of moping that that's kind of the point of Easter. We are supposed to celebrate all of a sudden. We aren't supposed to get sucked into regret and shame because Jesus' death has the power to overcome that, to overcome all those mistakes. There is hope. I guess that is why I'm starting to blog again. I'm going to try to intentionally reflect and write down my thoughts. I'm going to try to look up and know there is always potential to do better because Jesus has overcome all my mistakes.

It feels good to be back.

changes and life

2006-06-01T11:56:00.000-07:00

I realize that I have really changed from that cheery, optimistic girl I was a couple years ago when I started this blog. I feel like the reality of the world, of my own weaknesses have broken my heart again.

I have been wondering about what that means. Have I gone backwards from where I was after God had healed me and restored my joy? As I have been thinking about this today, I have come to the realization that both sides of me are appropriate. We need to rejoice in who God is and what that means in our lives, and we need to mourn the state of things in the world.

Last night, Brian and I had what I would describe as an eye-opening experience. We encountered the brokenness of the world first hand in a way that really affected us and realized what it means to live in this city. We've both had some missions experience, and I would like to say I have had experience working in the inner city and dealing with the issues that people who live there face. This experience was different from my other experiences in a couple ways. First, I was never personally affected before. It was never like I was in any real danger or so personally involved before. I could just walk away. Last night I felt like I couldn't. Secondly, it was the first time, we've encountered it together. We both realized what it felt like to want to protect each other and to feel the guilt of not doing it well enough. We both felt sick to our stomaches, and I still do as I think back on it. But last night as we held each other and cried and prayed together over the brokenness all around us and in us, I felt something more meaningful than I have in a long time. Although I don't want to feel that all the time, I do want that meaning in my life, I do want our marriage to be us, together crying out to God.

sad

2006-03-03T11:57:00.000-08:00

This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us?

Did it steal into our lives, or did we seek it out and embrace it?

What happened to us?

That we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war...

Hoping for their safe return...

But knowing that some will be lost along the way.

When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness.

Does this darkness have a name?

Is it your name?

Usually, I don't like One Tree Hill, but this last week, I feel like it had a really good message, and was shocking in it's portrayal of high school violence. It's not as prominent as it is in middle school or high school, but social hierarchy is a problem, even in the adult world. We need to think about how we treat other people. I think that adults need to be told even more than children because it seems that we are the harder ones to teach. We think we are past that development phase and tend to have a harder time seeing that we are doing something wrong. I guess all I'm saying is love each other, love everyone, no matter how the world sees them, don't count people out.

pray for josh

2006-02-27T17:23:00.000-08:00

I've been tutoring a boy named Josh over the last 9 months or so. He's in 9th grade, but has the mind of an 8 year old. You don't understand how hard it is for a boy like this to function in inner city Inglewood, until things like this happen . . .

Last week, Josh told his psychologist that he has tried to kill himself multiple times, that his mother has been beating him, that he will kill himself if they let him go back home. He is now being held at a mental hospital, but they will soon send him to a group home, as soon as they can get the court order to have him medicated. He now changed his mind and wants to go home to his grandmother, but no matter what she tries to do, she can't get him out. She can't figure out who's lying or telling the truth. She just doesn't want him medicated and shipped off to a group home, where she may not be able to visit him.

Throughout his life, he's been in and out of foster care. He and his sister have been in the care of his grandmother for the last couple years. Lately, Josh has gotten in more and more trouble, leading to his being suspended from school for threatening a security guard. He has been pushed through the school system and now in the 9th grade, he still cannot even multiply by 2. Recently, one of his good friends was the victim of a gang related crime. He has been jumped at the park, and beaten up. Another of his friends who he borrowed money from threatened to kill him if he didn't pay him back.

He doesn't understand the consequences of his actions, and in a place where the consequences of his actions are very serious. People expect him to understand, to act like a 15 year old, but he can't. Who knows? Maybe being in a group home may be what's best for him. I can't say. I don't have any answers for Josh or his poor grandmother. Please pray for them. Please pray that the system will not be so corrupt in this situation, that people who care will see the truth, and that the truth will matter. Pray that they can have faith that God is with them and is working things out.

better days

2005-09-20T11:03:00.000-07:00

"and you asked me what i want this year
and i tried to make this kind and clear
just the chance that maybe we'd find better days
cuz i don't need boxes wrapped in strings
and designer love and empty things
just a chance that maybe we'd find better days
so take these words and sing out loud
cuz everyone is forgiven now
cuz tonight's the night the world begins again"
- goo goo dolls

It's raining today. It feels nice. I don't know what it is about the rain. Brian really likes it but when it started yesterday, I have to admit, it seemed really ominous to me. It seemed to make the night darker and colder -- more sad. But today, it's different. I would have loved to stay in my warm bed this morning and doze while listening to the sounds of rolling thunder and raindrops hitting the roof, but I willed myself out and to work. Rain makes california a different world. It's nice for california to be a different world sometimes. I can't put my finger on it. I can't describe this feeling that comes with driving in the rain. Oh well, I'm sure people know what I'm talking about, and maybe some day I'll try harder to describe it.

The goo goo dolls song seems pretty appropriate for the moment, for the people rebuilding lives and trying to make it after the storm, for all of us. Thank God for grace.

2005-08-18T12:07:00.000-07:00

"Who can discern his errors?
Forgive my hidden faults.

Keep your servant also from willful sins;
may they not rule over me.
Then will I be blameless,
innocent of great transgression.

May the words of my mouth and the meditation of my heart
be pleasing in your sight,
O LORD, my Rock and my Redeemer."

learning from the past

2005-08-04T14:25:00.000-07:00

I was reading about the atomic bomb because the 60th anniversary of hiroshima is this saturday right? So it was a BBC article quoting 3 of the guys that were part of dropping the bomb. Well, 2 out of the 3 were like "I don't regret anything I did, I think they deserved it", and that they were thinking that this was going to end the war, but they knew exactly how much damage the bomb could do before they dropped it. Do you think they have to say that so that they can live with themselves? Do you think they can actually believe it?

At the same time I was reading an article about japanese school children who were going to visit the Hiroshima Peace Park and listen to stories of people who were there. They talked about how the children weren't taught about anything leading up to the bomb being dropped, but just how horrible it was when it did. None of the horrible things that were done by Japan during that time.

Is there something wrong with this picture? Where is the learning from the past that needs to come from such a horrible event? Sigh.

Maybe I can be consoled and say that the lesson learned is shown in the fact that there has been no atomic bombs dropped since then. Hopefully that learning will hold up. Lord have mercy.

birthday

2005-06-25T00:22:00.000-07:00

So today was my birthday (well technically yesterday, but who really cares about that?). It was a good one. I'm not saying there's anything bad about having your birthday on a mission trip, which was where I spent my last two (if you consider LAUP a mission trip, as I do). In those situations, God always seems to surprise you and when you least expect it, does something to show you He loves you and you're not alone when you're feeling particularly alone. This year, God showed me how incredibly loved I am. I am for the first time around my friends from school, and for the first time in the same area as Brian on my birthday. I had to work, but I was amazingly productive and met a deadline that I thought was impossible. My co-workers were really great to me today, and quite a few wished me a happy birthday. Also many thanks to all those who emailed, called or sent me e-cards. I felt really special hearing from you, and am so thankful to have such wonderful friends. You all brought a big smile to my face. Then I got one of the sweetest cards ever from my wonderful boyfriend and got to spend the evening with him in one of my favorite places. It was awesome, and I'm feeling really content (although extremely exhausted). I'm about to get to bed, but wanted to share my happiness. Thanks again everyone. It was indeed a wonderful day.

so sad

2005-06-17T13:48:00.000-07:00

http://www.usatoday.com/news/nation/2005-06-15-saving-baby-cover_x.htm

What's a Meme?

2005-06-07T19:18:00.000-07:00

I'm here with an assignment of sorts. Jesse has passed a "musical baton" to me on his blog. He then IMed me just to make sure that I did it, so here I am.

Let me just say that I am taking a very long time on this. I even lost most of my answers once and had to start over again. Please consider that I'm not very good at answering surveys. It takes me a long time because I think so hard about the answers before I give them, but they don't end up so great anyway. So I hope that you aren't expecting too much. But here goes:

Total Volume of music files on my computer:
706 MB in mp3s.

Last CD I Bought:
Technically, the last CD I bought was Scott Mccurry's "Like the Sun" at Target for 25 cents. It's not bad for 25 cents. It's not really the type of music I really enjoy but it's not bad. Actually most people that heard me play it (Brian, Jon, and James) all liked it a lot.

The last CD I count as buying is the Goo Goo Dolls: Live in Buffalo. Ed got me a Best Buy gift certificate for Christmas and told me to buy something to play in the car as I drive down the 405. This CD is perfect for that. It's also great to listen to in general. I heart Goo Goo Dolls! (just to piss Jon off). I think it's all about their melodies. Listening to their songs just make me happy.

(in the week and a half it took me to finish writing this, I also bought Jack Johnson's "In Between Dreams" I'm supposed to go pick it up at the post office this afternoon, so I don't exactly know how good it is yet although I've heard it played some before)

Playing Right now:
Actually, right now I am not playing anything, but what I've been listening to a lot lately has been Switchfoot's "A Beautiful Letdown", which my wonderful boyfriend lent me. :) It's really been speaking to me lately. The lyrics to the songs tell of something greater than this life and the struggle of living in a fallen world.

Five Songs that Mean a lot to me:
I guess this is hard because it's kinda time-dependent. Some songs currently mean a lot to me and some are all-time favorites. I guess I will do my best to accurately represent my tastes in music. It's weird, while I was doing this, I realized that for me in some cases it's a lot about the artists or genres, not so much about the individual songs. Just keep that in mind as you read this.

1) "For the Moments I Feel Faint" by Relient K has helped me in quite a few hard times. I remember just turning it on really loud when I was feeling particularly crappy and repeating it over and over and over and over and just sitting there crying.

2) Musically, I have loved the song "Crush" by Dave Matthews Band ever since I first heard it, not "Crash" mind you, but "Crush". It's so mellow and upbeat at the same time and it makes me happy when I hear it, especially the fiddle solo.

3) It would be sad for me to not put a Matchbox Twenty on this, but it's hard to describe why I like them so much. I've been a Matchbox fan since early high school. I would have to say the song "Push", it is my favorite Matchbox Twenty song but I guess the words aren't the best. I love the way that Rob Thomas can make the words sound like they mean so much. Sad that most of his solo stuff isn't so great.

4) "Angel" by Sarah McClachlan. Since I learned the chords, I've been playing the song on the piano (well, not lately cuz I don't have much access to pianos). It's incredibly therapeutic to play this song especially when I'm feeling sad, and I can sing like I mean it and after feel so much more hopeful, like I know that there's someone taking care of me when I can't take care of myself.

5) hmm, I realize there's nothing "fun" in here, like the kind of music that you bob your head to (Although I probably bob my head to these songs anyway) I guess for this I would choose "American Girls" by Counting Crows. I like Counting Crows in general although they only have one song that isn't depressing. "American Girls" doesn't sound depressing, but if you listen to the lyrics, you'll find that it is. It doesn't change the fact that it sounds great.

How I Discover good music:
Some through friends or family, mostly through listening to the radio or looking on myspace music or launchcast for artists that are similar to other artists. I like certain styles of music and I try to find artists that have that style.

I am realizing that this musical baton doesn't even start to cover my musical tastes, but I don't know what would. I guess for the songs that mean a lot to me, I picked a couple that mean a lot to me and a couple that just represent the kind of music that I like. Maybe sometime I'll write another post about what kind of music I like. I'm sorry Jesse, if I didn't do your musical baton justice.

hope

2005-06-01T11:01:00.000-07:00

Psalm 62

1 My soul finds rest in God alone;
my salvation comes from him.

2 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will never be shaken.

3 How long will you assault a man?
Would all of you throw him down—
this leaning wall, this tottering fence?

. . .

5 Find rest, O my soul, in God alone;
my hope comes from him.

6 He alone is my rock and my salvation;
he is my fortress, I will not be shaken.

7 My salvation and my honor depend on God;
he is my mighty rock, my refuge.

8 Trust in him at all times, O people;
pour out your hearts to him,
for God is our refuge.
Selah.

"Twenty four oceans
Twenty four skies
Twenty four failures
Twenty four tries

Twenty four finds me
In twenty-fourth place
Twenty four drop outs
At the end of the day

Life is not what I thought it was
Twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

And I'm not who I thought I was
twenty four hours ago
Still I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You

Twenty four reasons
to admit that I'm wrong
With all my excuses
still twenty four strong

See I'm not copping out
not copping out
not copping out
When You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now

And You're raising these twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts

But I want to be one today
Centered and true
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
You're raising the dead in me

Oh, oh I am the second man
Oh, oh I am the second man now
Oh, oh I am the second man now
And You're raising the dead in me

I want to see miracles,
see the world change
Wrestled the angel,
for more than a name
For more than a feeling
For more than a cause
I'm singing Spirit take me up in arms with You
And You're raising the dead in me

Twenty four voices
With twenty four hearts
With all of my symphonies
In twenty four parts.

I'm not copping out.
Not copping out.
Not copping out."

2005-05-23T16:00:00.000-07:00

2005-05-23T15:59:00.000-07:00

"she told him that she believes in living
bigger than she's living now
but her world keeps spinning backwards
and upside-down"

2005-05-13T15:28:00.000-07:00

"My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
I am not worried I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me, "For one time only,make an exception."
I am not worried
Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions
"Oh," she says, "you're changing."
But we're always changing
It does not bother me to say this isn't love
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love
And I guess I'm going to have to live with that
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,
Something in between,
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried I am not overly concerned
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget I am not worried
"If it's love," she said, "then we're going to have to think about the consequences."
She can't stop shaking I can't stop touching her and...

This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing

But I'm not going to break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore
I'm not going to bend, and I'm not going to break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried I've done this sort of thing before
But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...

The time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away and Anna begins to change my mind
And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
She's talking in her sleepIt's keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
Her kindness bangs a gong
It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away
It's chasing me away She disappears and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing"

2005-05-12T11:03:00.000-07:00

I know that James just posted on his blog shamelessly asking for sponsorships for the upcoming CROP walk. But just in case everyone's not yet broke or people exist that read my site and not James's, I'd appreciate ths sponsorship.

The CROP walk is a 10k this saturday (my mom inspired me not to get "OOS") with 25% of the donations from sponsorships going to local anti-hunger efforts and 75% of proceeds going to hunger and poverty relief overseas. If you want to check out more about CROP, go here. It's a good cause.

If you wanna sponsor me, go here.

If not, no worries, just thought I'd throw it out there.

goodness

2005-05-09T18:09:00.000-07:00

There are quite a few great things going on in my life, but it seems bad things are easier to dwell on and write about than good things. So I realize that the subject of so many of my conversations, emails, blog entries are full of rantings that would cause any reasonable person to be concerned. So, I am going to try to commit to not writing about those things. However, I realize to write about good things sounds boring, "I'm feeling the most hopeful I've felt in a long time, I have an amazing boyfriend, my relationship with my sister is the best it's ever been". I mean there's only so much you can hear about that stuff. Do you think that's true? I'm just trying to be honest here. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm really happy to hear that people are doing well, that things are going well, but I don't know if I've really been listening to people when they say things like that. I want to look for warning signs, want to hear the bad. (I think Nouwen wrote about that in the prodigal son book someplace where it talked about joy) I think that's sad, the not really listening part, not the Nouwen. So I'm also committing to really hearing about the good things people are saying. So when you have something good to say, say it, and say it with confidence. Praise God!

waking up

2005-04-28T22:43:00.000-07:00

I feel like every night, I have some sort of unsettling dream. I wake up and can't seem to shake that feeling. I brush my teeth and get dressed mechanically and grab my lunch and get out the door as soon as I can. Somehow the day starts and the feeling never completely goes away, then I go back to sleep and to dreaming again. I feel like I kinda live in a dream, and it's not a very good one. The funny thing is that Brian always tells me my life would be so much better off if I could do lucid dreaming and control what my actual dreams are about, but what I do instead is let go any of the control that I have over my life and they turn into the dreams I fear so much. Maybe I have to learn how to control my life better first. I need to not believe that all my fears are real. The thing I'm wondering is do I make up the crap that I'm afraid of, or does it come from someplace else?

anticlimactic

2005-04-26T11:32:00.000-07:00

I got internet at my apartment and wanted to blog and announce it to the world. But blogger was down, and so I decided not to post for several days again. Haha.

huh?

2005-04-13T09:11:00.000-07:00

I really should start eating breakfast at home. I just feel like I don't have enough time, even to make toast or something. I just want to grab something and leave cuz I always feel like I'm running late (that might have something to do with setting my alarm for about half an hour before I have to be at work). Anyway, because I was really hungry this morning, I bought a little package of those chocolate covered pre-packaged donuts that Brian likes so much from the snack shop(don't ask me why I did this, for some reason I just wanted those). Anyway, I ATE THEM ALL!!! I mean there were only like 5 or 6 of them, and they were little. But now I am regretting my decision. I am sitting here feeling the surge of sugar through me and and the heaviness of eating 80% (no exaggeration) of my daily intake of saturated fat. Ick.

2005-04-12T08:30:00.000-07:00

"been so many places, seen so many faces,
always on my way to something new . . .
but it doesn't matter, cuz no matter where I go,
every road leads back,
every road just seems to lead me back to you."

hi

2005-04-01T17:16:00.000-08:00

So yeah, it's been a long time. I don't have internet at home yet, so it's a little tough. I've also been really busy since I started working and it seems I don't have time for anything. Maybe when things settle down a little more, and maybe I get some kind of internet service going, I'll post more. Life seems different now, kinda surreal. I think maybe the lack of sleep has something to do with that. I'm praying a lot about purpose and what I'm supposed to be doing. If you still read my blog, please pray for me too.

i can laugh

2005-03-09T10:50:00.000-08:00

someone has again reminded me that I haven't been posting. I don't know how many people read this anyway. I keep feeling like I don't have much important to post. I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, and it's stuff that is really significant to me, but I don't know if it's all that significant to anyone else. I've been mostly encouraged. Getting a lot better about trusting that God is really good. Things in my life that have seemed so scary before aren't seeming so scary. I read proverbs 31 the other day and a verse really stuck out to me: "she can laugh at the days to come". I've been praying a lot about that lately, that's how I want to be. I don't want to worry about the days to come, but be able to laugh at them. No matter what happens, I know that I'm taken care of and I can approach my future with hope and joy.

mourning

2005-03-01T12:09:00.000-08:00

Lately it seems like life is a constant state of mourning. You stop mourning one thing to find that you're mourning for someone or something else. I might sound a little strange saying this but I kinda like it. I like feeling my heart break for the brokenness of the world, for the loss of beautiful things. In the vast sea of my countless messed up responses, this feels like a light in the darkness. I'm doing something right. I feel God's heart in my mourning. I feel closer to Him because I'm doing what He's doing. And then I feel hopeful. And it makes me smile.

hilo rain

2005-02-26T21:37:00.000-08:00

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=4684708&blogID=16066179&Mytoken=20050226213819

"sometimes the lessons we learn,
they don't need words to teach.
and some mistakes we have made,
we're bound to repeat.

it rained all day today.
i saw you in my dreams.
but my heart still sees you
a thousand miles across the sea.

chorus:
let the rain fall down
just like old Hilo town
i swear, when the rain falls down,
it feels like old Hilo town.

These city lights, they shine too bright
I cant see the stars that lie behind
I miss them sometimes
I miss you sometimes."

crazy

2005-02-18T14:11:00.000-08:00

So I got a job offer and I accepted it. I guess this is what I've been waiting 8 months for. Finding a job so my life can be settled somehow. But now it seems like things are crazier than ever. I feel tired and stressed and no matter how much I sleep, I just feel like my body wants to shut down. I feel like I'm going insane. Let me tell you, stress and anxiety are horrible things. My body currently hates me because of it, and that just makes me worry more: should I do something about this, should I see someone about it? I feel like I don't know anything and it's freaking me out. I'm starting to question the stability of everything in my life (not that anything should be very stable except for God). I dunno, it doesn't make sense and I'm going insane. I just don't want to have to worry about anything anymore. I feel bad feeling like this, kinda defeatist or something, but it's how I feel so I decided to write it. I guess pray for me. I don't know how else you can help.

personality?

2005-02-08T18:52:00.000-08:00

"INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately."

"Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them."

Lord have mercy

2005-02-08T10:29:00.000-08:00

I keep wanting to say that I don't understand, but I do, only too well. What I don't understand is why some people succeed and others fail. Lord have mercy.

conviction

2005-02-07T14:46:00.000-08:00

I don't really know what to write. It might be because I'm at work listening to a presentation on diet and cancer (so unable to give enough concentration to reflection) or the fact that my pride makes me reluctant to write about ways I've been wrong. Even though I don't seem to really be able to express anything right now, I do really want to acknowledge that God's been speaking to me, showing me that I need to change. I would like to be able to talk about this more in detail, and maybe I will later, but for now thank God for His grace: the ability to see my failings, hope that it won't always be that way, and enough motivation to know that it is more than worth it to change.

reflections on life

2005-02-06T13:08:00.000-08:00

It seems that a lot of people are writing really reflective posts lately. It's funny, maybe everyone gets reflective at the same time, or maybe everyone seems like they're at some transition point in their lives. Either way, I've been reflective too. Seems that I might be moving more than once in the next couple weeks, things might change very drastically for me. I don't know if that is affecting my reflective mood. I keep wondering what I'm doing and why I'm where I'm at. I don't ever feel very safe. I never really want to be wherever I am, and don't know how to change that. I was praying this morning about knowing that wherever I am, God is there with me, that my "home" follows me wherever I go, and that where I am, I'm supposed to be there. But I can't escape this feeling of something being wrong all the time. I might just have to ignore it and move on. Usually when I don't ignore it, it does more harm than good. I might have an anxiety disorder. Hooray.

EIT is passed!!!!!

2005-01-27T13:13:00.000-08:00

It has been so long that I almost forgot I took the test. With it being 8 hours long, that's a hard thing to forget. But I passed! Yay!

no moving this weekend

2005-01-20T11:18:00.000-08:00

probably next. who knows?

yay!

2005-01-18T17:26:00.000-08:00

So after being annoyed at the dent in my car, I called up some places to see how much it would cost to fix. I think it would have been from $200-300. One guy I talked to was really helpful though cuz he said that maybe I could push it out from the inside cuz the rubber seal on car doors usually come off and you can pull up the upholstery on the inside and get to the metal. I dragged Liz outside with me and was determined to fix Cleo, my poor baby. So after trying a bunch of stuff, I found this little panel thing on the inside and it came out and I stuck my hand in and pushed out the side. It's still kinda broken cuz if you push on it again from the outside, it will dent again, but it makes me feel somewhat better that I can fix it, and that I wasn't afraid to try taking things apart.

In other news, if you haven't kept up with Liz's blog, word on the street (our street that is and probably only including me, Liz, the landlady, and the construction guys) is that we're moving this weekend. That should be fun. If anyone wants to help out, let me know :). We are planning on feeding all who are helping!

sigh

2005-01-18T15:05:00.000-08:00

All I have to say that you do not want to build anything in the City of Irvine. No matter how badly you might want to, you should move the project to another city. Actually though, if you really want to, I know the building inspectors there very personally. Also, does anyone know how to push/pull out dents in a car?

i figured it out!

2005-01-14T13:54:00.000-08:00

The funk/anxiety is coming from pressure to be in a different place in my life than I am right now. I am feeling like where I am in life right now is definitely a place of transition, not life. The longer I'm in it, the longer I'm in a place I'm not supposed to be. So I'm stressed about everything, feeling like I'm constantly not doing enough, and I keep feeling like I'm not even living. On top of that, doing things to get out of this place is getting more and more difficult. However, I AM trying. There are many reasons for this but I think I am especially feeling it from my mom, which is why I have developed a subconscious defense mechanism to avoid talking to her at the moment. I don't mean to, but I'm stressed and I know that talking to her will only make me more stressed. Mom, if you are reading this, don't stress me out. I'm trying.

This way of thinking has sadly penetrated all aspects of my life though. So I have been stressed out about friends, living situations, money, and Brian among other things. Sorry for that everyone. Pray for me. Now that I know why I'm freaking out, it's a lot easier to deal with, and I am starting to realize that things are actually alright.

it's official!

2005-01-14T10:44:00.000-08:00

My car is named! :) I guess it's not that big of a deal except that it took me forever to name it. So you wanna know what it is? Huh, do you? :). Her name is Cleo. I would go through my whole explanation on why this name fits, but I don't think it's that important to anyone else and I already explained it all to Brian (I'm pretty sure it wasn't that important to him either). You can ask if you want to know. In other news, I'm feeling a little in a funk again. I don't like how things can change so quickly for me. I wish that I could just be stable for a little while. But it does mean that this funk will soon be over. Usually by the time I realize I'm in one, I'm on the the way out of it :).

There seems to be so much going on for people around me. Maybe that's getting me overwhelmed cuz I can't keep that many things in my head at the same time, like I'm supposed to be concerned for what's going on in the lives of all my friends at the same time and I can't really do that. But then I don't feel like I'm doing enough when I can't be concerned for everything at the same time. Maybe I should stop trying to talk to so many people, but I love talking to them, and I love finding out what's going on for them, but then I don't know what to do with it after that and I keep thinking I'm supposed to do more with it. I really should pray more too, but I get overwhelmed when I pray cuz there's so much to pray for and when I just pray for one thing, I feel bad cuz I'm thinking it's more important than all the others when it's just because I just happen to be thinking about that particular thing at the moment. Okay, I realize that things are not that complicated. I'm just feeling bad about things I shouldn't be feeling bad about and I should just pray as much as I can and know that God sees all the things I am concerned about. I am also thinking that the way that I think about stuff when I am concerned for others is kinda like praying. I could be wrong here, but I feel like the part of me that cares about others has to do with the heart that God gave me to love, and when I'm doing that (whether it's talking to them or thinking about them), I'm doing what God wants me to do, He sees my concern and He, since He loves them even more than I do, will do even more. Okay, I feel better now. This makes sense to me. What do you think? Also, all my friends out there, know that I love you a lot (so much so that I seem to always worry I'm not doing enough), and know that God loves you so much more.

I also have some things to write about a book that I read recently that made me feel kinda strange. I don't want to yet though cuz Brian won't let me tell him anything until he at least glances through it. If anyone else wants to glance through it, it's The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon. Take it easy folks.

launchcast

2005-01-12T14:54:00.000-08:00

It has been a while since I listened to Launchcast. I did again today because I forgot my CD's in the car and while I was looking at my new computer, I found that it has a convenient headphone output thing in the front. Listening reminded me of times last year sitting in Brian's room listening to the happy station or laughing at Greg for rating all the country songs so high on Brian's station. Funny how music reminds you of so much. Anyway, it was good to have classic Matchbox Twenty, Goo Goo Dolls, Collective Soul, Sister Hazel, Plumb and Hootie playing while I worked today. Work is actually going really well right now. It's fun doing everything I've been doing, and I actually feel like I'm helpful.

I think this time in my life is full of learning new things (while working and just in general). I keep feeling like I am getting so much out of life. I love it!

wow, long time no post

2005-01-08T10:08:00.000-08:00

Hey guys. I'm sorry about the long break in posting. Being home was amazing, but there are some disadvantages too, like the irritating dial-up connection. Hawaii was beautiful although it rained some of the time I was home and only got to go to the beach once. Everything was so familiar and comfortable. I kinda fell into a funk yesterday because I realized what a huge change I'm having to make now. I'm feeling kinda homesick and I miss Sharon a lot (not that I feel like I'm not going to like living with Liz, it's just the feeling of having to start over again). After that little funk though, I seem to be doing better, realizing that with God I can get through anything. And when I think about all those people that have been left homeless by the tsunami, I realize that I'm complaining for nothing, and at the same time it helps me to have more compassion on them because I can "sort of" relate to the sense of homelessness.

I guess there's not much else to add. Hopefully I get to see River tomorrow. Oh, and I don't know how often I'll be posting now. I will pretty much only have internet at work, so I don't want to use it to post. We'll see what happens.

because Greggy posted

2004-12-23T16:16:00.000-08:00

Greg posted what the weather is going to be like where he's spending the next week or so. I just thought I'd post what the weather is going to be like where I'm spending the next 2 weeks:

http://www.weather.com/activities/driving/interstate/weather/tenday.html?locid=96782

Yay! :)

cool

2004-12-23T16:14:00.000-08:00

http://www.worldonfire.ca/

I really liked the song before, I like it even more now.

Christmas is coming

2004-12-22T14:56:00.000-08:00

Being in California during this season is a little strange to me. When I was in Claremont, it was different because I was always so busy that nothing around seemed to matter. Now that I have more time to notice things, it seems that Christmas in California lacks something. I find it funny that people can call this area home (I was telling this to someone at work today who replied, "I find it funny that you call Hawaii home"). That totally makes sense. But California seems like this place where people are just kinda hanging out. Maybe I think that because I'm just hanging out, but I don't know if I could ever make my home here.

So I've been feeling a little disillusioned about Christmas this year anyway. The whole idea of being pressured to buy people things that they want, and not being able to figure it out so you just get them something meaningless seems, hmm, meaningless. And I don't know the area so I don't know the stores, where to go for anything. At home you can go to Pearlridge and know what you're going to find there. I feel like I use Yahoo! yellowpages like a madwoman and it's getting a little tiring. And everything's so amazingly crowded and crazy.

Not being surrounded by Christian community makes it hard too. I miss things like Thanksgiving praise and Christmas fellowship meetings. At the same time, through this experience, I feel like I can relate with Jesus in his entrance into a world that didn't understand him, that scorned him. Not that I'm being scorned in any way, just feeling a little homeless/homesick. Jesus really left his home and "pitched his tent" with us. So that we could have a high priest who is familiar with our pains and our trials (I AM actually learning something from Hebrews). Anyway, more to come later. Been busy lately.

wow

2004-12-15T11:42:00.000-08:00

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6629425/

This feels really weird to me. I didn't know him personally, maybe seen him around in school. The thing that really gets to me is that he's so young. He graduated 2 years after me! This page has a little more detail about his military service:

http://starbulletin.com/breaking/breaking.php?id=3095

So Trudy tells me about this last night, and she's saying that Ron's just waiting to get out of the Army Reserves. One of his good friends in the Reserves (in his same discipline) was told that he was going to get shipped there, so he joined active service and chose to go to Germany. Brad will be there in the beginning of next year. My co-worker's husband is another Camp Pendleton marine who will be there till april. This sucks. I don't know what else to say. My prayers go out to all of the soldiers in Iraq and all their family and friends waiting for them at home.

the good stuff

2004-12-13T18:48:00.000-08:00

You know what I love? When see glimpses into people's lives that tell you who they really are; those little nuggets of authenticity that you don't get most of the time that you interact with people. I've been observing people a lot lately. I feel like I'm constantly thinking about them, about why they do the things that they do, what truly makes them happy, what makes them sad. I love it when I can see that, something deeper than what I'd seen before. I've been realizing that some people try protect these things. They don't want to let you see who they really are. Because if they do, somehow they're left open and vulnerable to you. I think in the midst of that vulnerability, there can be a connection made, a bond of trust. It's sad to see how many people keep who they really are from others. I just want to be real, and to see what's real in others. I want to be their friend and for them to be mine. I will trust you with who I am. Sincere love, authenticity, not holding back -- that's what it's all about.

Read 2 Corinthians 6:4-13:

"4 Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; 5 in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; 6 in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; 7 in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; 8 through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; 9 known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; 10 sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

2CO 6:11 We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. 12 We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. 13 As a fair exchange--I speak as to my children--open wide your hearts also."

It's really cool when you find people that are real. That's partly why I love talking to the elderly. They're amazingly honest. It's refreshing. They'll tell you their favorite memories, their saddest moments, their deepest desires without hesitation even though you've just met them 5 minutes before. I talked with a wonderful woman named Margaret last friday. She is 83 years old. Her husband died in 1973 from cancer. She's been a widow for over 30 years. She misses him a lot, she says, especially around Christmas time because he loved Christmas. She said he was Italian, the most laid-back guy you'd ever meet. He was healthy, took good care of himself, a prized boxer in Pennsylvania where they were from. He won the diamond belt and golden gloves (I didn't really know what those are but I assume they're pretty prestigious among the boxing community). She then mentions that he had the diamond taken out of the belt and put in her engagement ring as she shows me the ring. She said that he died too young, but she's glad for the years that she had with him. Cancer is a terrible disease. He started complaining about a stitch in his side one day, he was gone 3 months later.

I could tell you much more about Margaret if you wanted to hear it, or Vi, another woman I met that day. I don't think there is any way that I can forget the memories that they shared with me. Praise God for the bonds He created, for the blessing of being able to spend one afternoon with two wonderful ladies. There's much more to say, but I'm ending it here. This has taken me a little too long to write and I really need to finish my honeywell application. Take it easy folks.

negativity

2004-12-10T01:06:00.000-08:00

Please pray for me. I feel like things in my life have been really good as of late. There is nothing for me to really complain about, yet I feel like crap. I am praying more than usual and trying to be disciplined in the way I use my time, and succeeding, but still feel really bad and it's affecting the way I'm interacting with people. I really think it's a spiritual thing. I realize that I've been fighting a lot for other people spiritually, but I haven't been so great at fighting for myself. So anyway, I'm sorry I've been really crabby and out of it. I appreciate the prayers. I will be out of this funk in no time.

new pictures

2004-12-08T11:42:00.000-08:00

I also posted a couple new pictures from last weekend. I'm sorry they're so disorganized. I want to organize them more but Brian's thing won't let me make any new albums (so it's his fault). :) Anyway, go see my new pictures!

i don't have a title for this one

2004-12-07T13:59:00.000-08:00

Jon reminded me today of my loyal fans who I seem to be depriving of information by not blogging. Sorry to disappoint :). There has just been so much to say that it gets exceedingly harder to express as days go by.

This last weekend Brian visited, I interviewed with Honeywell, went to the cancer center Christmas party/fundraising event, visited a church that I actually liked, listened to some servant partners teaching from Kevin Blue on dating, and got to spend time with more people than I've seen in a long time. You would think that from looking at my life, I would already realize that my life can change dramatically in the span of 4 days, but it seems I don't learn as quickly as I should. I feel like I'm in a place where everything is changing. There's not a great deal of stability. I guess the fact that everything is changing doesn't seem to be changing though, so maybe I can find comfort in that :). I look at most of my friends lives (Brian excluded, but even him because he seems to kinda know what he wants to do) and it just looks like their lives are more stable. They have things that they're committed to. They'll have a crazy weekend like me and be back to work on monday. There are good and bad things to that as well I realize. I am just finding it difficult to know where God wants me, or to know that God wants me where I am right now.

I found out that I am moving out of Sharon's place by the end of the month because she'll be moving to Korea. I'm really going to miss her :(. I'm not sure where I'm going to be working then. I'm not sure if I'm going home to Hawaii for Christmas but I'm leaning toward it.

I am currently feeling a little down about job prospects. I kinda regret turning down the job offer that I got (oh, I turned it down by the way) because I felt like I actually wanted to do that work. I am just afraid I'm going to end up sitting in a cubicle staring at a computer screen for 40 hours a week for the next who knows how many years. I do not look forward to doing that. I feel like I turned it down mostly because I didn't want to make a decision. I felt I could put off the decision more by not taking it, then I wouldn't have to start right away, I could still wait to commit. Thinking about the future gives me this sick feeling inside. Maybe that's why I'm stuck in a place where everything is unstable. Who knows? Pray that God leads me to something that I won't hate and that I can know it's where I'm supposed to be.

This weekend was amazing as far as seeing God. That was really good because I totally needed it. I went into it in a kind of funk. I kinda fell into it after thanksgiving because I was really tired after all the hosting and stuff. I was really encouraged by a number of conversations I had this weekend as well as the experience at the church I went to. Brian and I visited a mennonite church on sunday in Inglewood. It was crazy awesome. I'd say like 90% of the congregation was black and there was incredible gospel music throughout the service, good teaching, and a great community. I felt like I could worship God freely and sincerely. It was the most sincere I have felt in worship in a long time. I really liked the fact that it seemed like they did so much with the little that they had. Maybe I'll go there again sometime.

IT seems like God has been speaking to me a lot of words of wisdom this weekend. This might seem kinda weird and out of nowhere, but I keep entertaining these thoughts of speaking and teaching these things to other people, like that's what I'm wanting to do. I don't know what to do with that (maybe I'll be a pastor yet). Again, who knows?

Alright, I still have all these random thoughts in my head, but I don't know exactly how to write them down at the moment. I hope that this satisfies my audience for the time being. Pray for all the peeps out in Claremont working hard on papers and studying for those finals. Peace.

thanksgiving

2004-11-29T22:38:00.000-08:00

It was a good thanksgiving. I loved seeing my family and getting to spend time with my grandmas. I haven't seen them in a while. I guess I'm a little tired of people in general though and today's been good just to veg and chill with Sharon. I guess I didn't get as much time as I'd have liked to reflect on the things that I'm thankful for but I'm feeling pretty thankful. God really loves us. We have to know that God really loves us. Oh, and I posted a couple new pictures from the week. Hope you enjoy.

church hunting

2004-11-21T13:49:00.000-08:00

I went to a new church this morning. I am amazed that I am actually having motivation to go church hunting. It's a really hard thing though, there are so many things about the church that I saw this morning that pissed me off. I often feel like no matter where I go, I will not be satisfied with any church. I think that's true to some degree, but there has to be a church that I at least don't mind being a part of. A church like that has to exist.

One thing that really bothered me this morning was that the sermon was on "being an appreciated gift". This brings up memories of a sermon that Krislin and I heard a couple months ago in Palos Verdes. Good thing the sermon this morning was not actually about being an appreciated gift at all because it had nothing to do with being appreciated. The title still rubbed me the wrong way. We all want to be appreciated, but we can't make other people appreciate us, and that's not what it should be about anyway. The pastor did call Jesus the ultimate appreciated gift, and Jesus was totally unappreciated. He was hated and spurned even by the people closest to Him. The rest of the sermon was actually okay. He preached out of Romans 12 and made the huge leap that being an appreciated gift meant living a life worthy of the grace we've recieved. So the rest of the sermon was about that. Another thing that was hard was that he was talking about authenticity. Authenticity is something that I've been feeling is lacking in the Christian church. To me, authenticity means that you're real with people, that you let people in on what's actually going on inside of you. He preached that following Romans 12:14-21 makes you an authentic Christian. Read Romans 12:14-21 and tell me, who the hell is actually like that?

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary:

"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

If you are like that then I'm sorry for offending you, but I definitely am not. I think we need to strive for it, train to become the people that are actually like that on the inside. But I'm not pretending that that's what it's like to be an authentic Christian. We're gonna fail, so I think being authentic means coming clean with those failures. I think that's what brings people together, not fake politeness and hospitality.

I understand that the Pastor wasn't really teaching anything wrong per se. I just feel like he wasn't covering all his bases. I know I can't expect pastors to always cover their bases, then they'd be talking forever. I mean there's a reason they only preach on a little thing every week. Maybe he'll cover the whole "fakeness of the church" thing in some other sermon. I think I have to actually meet and get to know a pastor well. I tend to have a pretty low level of respect for pastors in general, maybe because I have high expectations of them because they have a large influence in people's lives, and they never live up to my expectations. Wow, this post brought up a lot of stuff for me that was a little unexpected.

I know I'm critical and judgemental, and I'm praying against that all the time, God kinda overcame it this morning in the service. I feel like I was able to take good things from it (I know I didn't really talk about the good things in this post). I guess that makes me even more confused. I can't tell if I liked the church today or hated it. I am sure that I don't want to belong there though, and I guess that's enough for me. I have to say though that it made me think and reflect on what it means to be a Christian and seek God because of how I disagreed with things. That's definitely something I should do more often. Anyway, I guess we'll try the church hunting again next week.

Sorry for all this ranting, although it is my blog and I can post whatever I want and you can choose to read it or not :). Thanks for reading it though if you still are, I am really thankful that there are people that care to read about my life. I love you guys.

why bother?

2004-11-19T16:07:00.000-08:00

So yesterday I spend an hour and a half washing my car. Today it's covered with a layer of grossness again. You gotta love Southern california air. Makes me afraid to breathe sometimes. Anyway, it was clean, and you gotta give me some credit for trying to take care of it. My car still doesn't have a name. It seems I'm terrible about that. I've been calling it "baby" like all the other inanimate objects I talk to. So anyway, I'm still taking suggestions.

Let's see, what else is new? I get to see my family this weekend. It's been a while since I've seen my dad and both grandmas (my mom came to visit me twice in the last 6 months). I'm pretty excited about that. Not too much else going on I guess. I am vowing to stop blogging about job stuff until I decide because I realize that all I do is complain about it.

Oh! I have been praying more lately. That was another good thing about visiting Brian, I got to pray with him and since then we're kinda keeping each other accountable to pray for certain things. Thanks babe! I need to be better about it anyway I'm realizing. I feel like I've forgotten how powerful prayer is in changing our hearts when they need to be changed and in seeing God move in crazy ways. :)

better

2004-11-18T13:16:00.000-08:00

feeling lots better since yesterday . . . seems like there's some serious spiritual warfare stuff going on down here. Thanks for all the prayers! Still need to decide about the job situation. Sigh, seems like that will never be over. I guess not much else to note. Happy belated birthday to Phil, Greg, Sharon, and Ethan!

overwhelmed

2004-11-17T13:02:00.000-08:00

I guess there's a lot to write. I hate it because I don't have anything figured out, so I think all that's going to come out is a incoherent mess, but that seems to be how it always is.

I went to visit Brian in Medford this last week, just got back last night. His grandfather passed away last thursday. It was amazing to see how much good God was doing through it. Brian's grandpa was a great man and his life impacted so many people. I am very blessed to have been able to witness that as I mourned and celebrated with the family. As Brian and I were praying the last night I was there, he prayed that we would be able to have a life even half as amazing as his grandfather's, to be able to touch people that way. I keep praying that prayer.

I also feel like God really wanted to bring up for me the struggle that I have in trusting Him with my family. I am still struggling, but I know that I still need to wrestle with it. It was good to get to really think and pray about it in the last week. Please pray that God will show me something, that I can understand what I need to or trust what I know of God.

My life seems more confusing than ever now. Somehow I thought going to visit Brian would settle some things. I have a lot to think about. Coming back here doesn't seem to be helping much. There's so much going on here that it seems I don't even have time to think. I've been fighting being overwhelmed since I got here last night and I seem to be losing that battle. It was really good to spend time with Brian and his family, to experience life with them, but now that all seems so far away and life is so different now, just a day later. I am finding it really hard to trust and am feeling a little impatient. I'm supposed to make my job decision very very soon even though I feel like I've already made it. I really need God's perspective because I feel so overwhelmed, I miss having peace. Please pray for me.

death

2004-11-09T13:16:00.000-08:00

I guess I've been feeling pretty reflective the last couple days. Brian got back home on Sunday night and then yesterday morning his grandpa had a heart attack and it seems he won't last much longer. It seems like a lot to deal with for Brian but he's taking it really well. I think it's harder for me than for him. Since I heard about it, I feel like I keep reliving my grandpa's death, reliving the loss I've felt when people in my family have died. I've been thinking a lot about my grandpas and my great grandma. I miss them.

It's strange because on sunday afternoon, before all this happened, I went to go visit my great aunty who was in town visiting Jean and we went for a walk. During the walk, she started singing this japanese children's song "otete tsunaide . . ." Then she said that the last time my great grandma was in the hospital, my great aunt was wheeling her around in a wheelchair and my great grandma was singing that song. Imagine that, a 97-year old woman singing a japanese children's song :). My great aunt said that she knew that she was going to go soon, and she knew she would remember that moment; wheeling her around and hearing her sing that song as she sat in the wheelchair. The last time I saw her before she died was 4 months earlier at New Year's and I got to spend a couple hours just with her. I wish I could do it again. My mom's sister went to visit her about a month before she died and she decided for some reason that it would be a good idea for her to call all of the great grandkids and have us get to talk to our great grandma. I never really talked to my great grandma on the phone because I didn't know enough japanese to converse and she didn't know enough english either. When we were in the same place though, It didn't seem to matter, we could communicate just fine with our expressions (mostly smiles and laughter). It was weird saying hi to her on the phone and having her guess who I was. I didn't know then that it would be the last time I'd ever talk to her.

My grandpa's death was even harder. He had pancreatic cancer. He was diagnosed one thanksgiving. We spent thanksgiving night that year in the hopsital dining hall. He seemed to be fighting it alright after that until a year later when he had a stroke, a couple days before thanksgiving again. It was all downhill from there. He ended up dying on December 23rd, 2 days before Christmas. When we knew there was no hope left to treat him, my grandma decided to put him in a hospice and stop feeding him so that he could just die quicker, without as much pain. Even then, he lasted 2 weeks. We went in to see him every day, and every day he got weaker and weaker. In the beginning, he could let you know he knew you were there. He'd squeeze your hand and you could see tears running down his face when you talked to him. By the end, he couldn't do anything. But I feel like I knew he still knew we were there. He held on till the end. I think he was afraid to leave us, he was afraid that we wouldn't be okay without him. I remember my grandma telling him that she was ready to let him go, that he should just go. Then he went.

I don't know where they are now. I don't know if I will ever see them again. I trust in the God I love though. I choose to trust. Please help me to trust.

crazy weekend

2004-11-02T09:21:00.000-08:00

This was a crazy weekend. The EIT, halloween, daylight savings time change, and the Golf Tournament. Crazy. The last 3 days I woke up at 5:30am, 6:15am, 6:00am. This is me we're talking about. Don't worry, my schedule is almost back to normal now.

So for the test, I guess there are probably some people that are still wondering how it went, although some of you have already talked to me. The first half was alright, but the second 4 hour session was painful. I almost fell asleep like 10 times and actually had to take a little "nap" in the middle of it because I couldn't think anymore. It was weird too cuz both Sharon and I forgot to bring watches, so I had no sense of what time it was throughout the whole test. Oh well, I think I passed, and it is over. Hooray! I can't believe that test screwed up my sleep schedule so much though. I was tired till yesterday because of it.

Halloween was fun. I went trick-or-treating with Jean and Lauren. I kinda went as a parent. Weird. Also, this was the first time I was really experiencing halloween in 5 years cuz in college, it's like there are parties and trick-or-drink, but no kids and the trick-or-treating. It was weird. There were so many kids in the neighborhood and Lauren and her friends were die-hard trick-or-treaters. We were out there for 2 hours. She ended up with 5.5 pounds of candy. It's kinda sad because she's allergic to chocolate so she can't eat most of that, but it was intense. I was very tired after that too :).

Then yesterday was the golf tournament that my working place has been preparing for for the last month. It was amazing. There were 130 golfers. It was at the Riviera Country Club. It was the first time I have ever been on a golf course and it got to be at the Riviera Country Club. It was beautiful. I don't exactly know how to describe the day and all my feelings. We did a lot of damage control and figuring out how to fix problems on the fly. I felt a little weird because everyone there was like extremely rich, and some of them knew that they were extremely rich and so had a lot of power. There have been lots of thoughts floating around in my head since then. Hmm.

I now have 3 job options. Please continue to pray for me with that because I have no idea what to do. I realize that the decision isn't really that important, but there seems to be a lot of pressure in a lot of different directions and I just want to be able to make a decision that I feel good about and not stress out. I don't think I am doing too well at not stressing out.

Today, I'm taking the day off and Sharon and I are going to see "Shall We Dance". I'm excited :). I should be getting more of a life back now because the test is over. Hooray! I don't really know what else to say. Everything's still a little jumbled in my brain. There were lots of other random thoughts I had this weekend that I want to write about sometime, but they're gonna have to wait.

THE EIT IS DONE!!!!!!!!

2004-10-30T17:58:00.000-07:00

nuff said.

my good friend jon

2004-10-28T01:57:00.000-07:00

I guess I just wanted to write an entry about Jon. He's feeling a little down lately and he's kinda in a bunch of crappy situations. I have just been feeling in awe of what an amazing person he is and I wanted to share that with everyone. Jon is truly an amazing friend. For as long as I've known him, he's been a really strong Christian, firm in his faith while being kind and compassionate to everyone. I've never met anyone as good at that as he is. His sacrificial love stuns me sometimes. He's nursed me back to health on several occasions, always been there when I needed someone to listen, carried me when I was freaked out by the worms :), never stopped caring about me even when I was being selfish and doing stupid things. I would not be the person I am today if it weren't for him, and I might not even be here today if it weren't for his prayers. I don't tell him this much, more often I rag on him because I'm frustrated at him for some stupid reason. But I am so thankful that Jon is my friend, I think he is one of the greatest friends a person could have. I don't know what I'd do without him. I'm sorry for all the times I've said otherwise. You are very loved Jon and I'm praying for you.

happy birthday!

2004-10-27T23:34:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow or today in Uganda is Brian's 23rd birthday . . . happy birthday babe! It's also my mom's birthday . . . happy birthday mommy! and Tiari's birthday . . . happy birthday Tiari! (although it's definitely been a while since I've talked to Tiari, and she probably won't be reading this). And if anyone else is born on October 28th and is reading this, happy birthday to you too!

My life has been filled with drama. Drama about work, drama about future work, drama about the test, drama about any of my plans in general, other people's drama, almost any different kind of drama you could think of. Sharon keeps saying that my life is amusing because of all the drama in it. I would like to see what it would be like without it for a little bit, maybe just a little bit. I am pretty certain though that things will turn out okay, more than just okay actually. God's got everything under control, so I don't have to give myself an ulcer worrying about everything the way that I'm so good at worrying about things. Pray for me. I need to stop being so worked up and get some rest.

There is a lot I could write, I haven't updated in a long time, but I think I'll just leave it for a while. I don't have too much time to write, so I won't be happy with what gets posted anyway. Hopefully some more informative posts will come. Night everyone.

rain and stuff

2004-10-17T01:09:00.000-07:00

I had a really cool experience tonight. I was driving home on the freeway and it started to rain. Then "Did you feel the mountains tremble" came on the radio. I turned it up really loud and sang at the top of my lungs driving down the empty freeway with the rain coming down. It felt so good. I felt like I was really praising God. I am pretty sure this is the first time I've seen it rain since I've been back. I think it must have rained one night because when I got up one morning, the street, driveways and cars were all wet. But this is the first time I've seen it rain here since I got back. Quite a change from the daily thunderstorms and occasional hail of Colorado Springs. It feels nice. Right now I'm listening to it outside my window and I know that I'm not going to have any problems falling asleep tonight :).

Tonight I went to Chris's apartment and got to hang out with him and the Gaeblers. It was so cool to see them. We made spam musubi (cuz Chris remembered how we made it spring break freshman year), had caramel apples, talked nerdy (I feel bad cuz I must have grimaced every 15 minutes (I think it's at the point where no matter who I'm with, whenever someone says something nerdy, people turn to look at how I'm going to react . . . I'm trying to be more tolerant, I will get better, I hope)), caught up some, and watched "Chariots of Fire" which I had never seen before. It was great. A good night. Now with the rain and the cool drive home, it's officially a great night.

That's another thing, I realized today that I really like driving. If gas didn't cost so darn much, I wouldn't feel so bad about driving so much to work or to wherever. It's kinda nice, a good time to reflect or to pray. I think the thing that really helps is that I'm not afraid anymore, I'm not intimidated by it. I am realizing the key was my mom coming here, riding around with me, and telling me that I'm a good driver. Ever since I started driving, my mom has told me that my driving made her nervous and that I'm not ready to drive on freeways and stuff. That made me really nervous about driving. I think it makes a big difference to me that my mom thinks I drive well. Thanks Mommy.

I'm pretty sure that everyone reading this already knows this but I sent out an email to people in response to my blog entry about my getting a job. I was blown away because I got so many responses to that email. I didn't know that people cared that much to know what was going on for me. Thank you so much everyone. I feel so blessed and I appreciate all your prayers and thoughtful advice. I also think that Josh and Jordy have a point about the person getting the job should be the one treating others instead of the other way around, so as soon as I get myself a place, I'm throwing a party. (Just to let you know, I have no idea when I'm getting a place, but but as soon as I do, there WILL be a party).

I guess that's it. God is amazing, I am in wonder. I am praying that He will show Himself to all of you as well. Good night!

wow

2004-10-12T22:18:00.000-07:00

So, I got offered a job today, an actual job, an actual engineering job. Wow! That feels weird to me. Joshdan said that he's going to buy me a drink :). I might have to hold you to that Josh. Anyway, I just don't know what to do. There are lots of pros and cons, and right now I'm feeling a little overwhelmed. I don't actually think it's that big of a decision, but it's making me think about all this stuff about the rest of my life. It's making me depressed because after talking with my mom, I feel like I'm going to be owned by my parents for the rest of my life and I won't be able to do what I really want to do, which is help people. I remember the faces of the children in Honduras who live in shacks and won't have many opportunities in life, and I will not just sit in my big house living comfortably when there are people starving to death.

Okay, that was my rant. I ranted a lot tonight. I think I feel better now. I like ranting cuz it gets out what you really feel about something. I mean, you're not going to make your decision totally off of what you feel, but it's good to get it out, and then people can know how you're feeling. So, I still don't know what I'm going to do about the job. Pray for me that I can know what God wants and that I can make a good decision. Pray also that somehow things will work out that I can be happy and not totally piss my parents off, cuz I do care about what they think, and I don't want to fight about things forever. I have hope that God wants me to live a good life, where I enjoy the things I do and can serve him faithfully with what I do. Praise God.

feeling better

2004-10-08T01:41:00.000-07:00

yeah, God's good. I have nothing figured out, but I know it will be okay, and that's all I need to know. I know Jon will hate me for putting this here, but I'm kinda feeling like the lyrics to "Hand in my Pocket" right now, so here they are:

“I'm broke but I'm happy
I'm poor but I'm kind
I'm short but I'm healthy, yeah (I like that line)
I'm high but I'm grounded
I'm sane but I'm overwhelmed
I'm lost but I'm hopeful baby
What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be fine fine fine
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving a high five
I feel drunk but I'm sober
I'm young and I'm underpaid
I'm tired but I'm working, yeah
I care but I'm restless
I'm here but I'm really gone
I'm wrong and I'm sorry baby

What it all comes down to
Is that everything's gonna be quite alright
And what it all comes down to
Is that I haven't got it all figured out just yet
I've got one hand in my pocket
And the other one is giving the peace sign"

-Alanis

Patience. Hope. Sigh.

haha, seems my blogging run was short lived

2004-10-05T23:45:00.000-07:00

Yeah, I haven't felt much like blogging lately, but tonight I do, so here goes. Lately, I've been in a "feeling lonely even though surrounded by lots of people" mood. I got to talk to Greggy tonight though. I felt really encouraged. I feel like I was really reminded that sometimes I am understood. It brought up something with me though. Sorry to use our conversation as an example Greg, but too bad. So, Often when I have really encouraging conversations with people I really like talking to, instead of thanking them for an awesome conversation, I tend to get really self-deprecating, or apologetic. I always apologize for rambling and taking up their time and stuff like that. I then put the other person in the position of having to reassure me that I'm not, and if they don't reassure me, I tend to get more insecure. It's really stupid because I feel like it makes really encouraging times not so encouraging anymore. Also, it creates this hierarchy that doesn't really exist. I feel like in my mind, I will then put that person above myself, and think of them as the "giver"and me as the "reciever" when those roles aren't necessarily there. I think that in my example, Greg and I both got a lot out of the conversation (right Greg?) :), and there's no reason for me to think otherwise. Part of me thinks it's another "asian culture" thing, and I notice that in the same circumstances, whenever someone apologizes to me, I'm really quick to reassure them that there's nothing to apologize for. In any case, it's annoying, and I feel like it makes it hard to have really good times with people I really like talking to and spending time with. I feel like in saying this, I'm voicing a problem that many people struggle with, probably more than I do. I guess I just want to put it out there instead of running through it in my head. It probably does more good. Also, I want to say, that if an asian friend that gets all apologetic in a conversation, try to be quick to reassure them that you're getting a lot out of the conversation too, unless you aren't and in that case, there are other issues that I don't have time to address in this blog entry. And I think we also need to be less insecure. I think that's a topic that I also don't have enough time to blog about.

Anyway, long story short, it was good to talk to Greg. Hip hop class was really fun today, I just wish it was longer. There can never be too much dancing!

Lately, I've also been realizing how fun it is to learn (but at my own pace, not like at school where professors try to cram as much information into you as they could). At work I feel like I have to constantly learn new things, I love it. Today, as I was studying for the EIT, I was reviewing mechanics right, and how to use Mohr's circle again and deal with 3 dimensional stresses and stuff, and it made me kinda excited :). Man, I sound like such a nerd. Not much else going on. I want to send a shout-out to Sharon's mom although she will never read this, but she works so incredibly hard in this house, I just want to give her props :). Maybe I should get off this whole "shout-out" thing. But it's fun, and it's not old yet. But now it is, so no more after this one :). Peace.

wow, two days in a row

2004-09-27T23:44:00.000-07:00

Yeah, believe me, I'm shocked too. I dunno, just feeling kinda thoughtful tonight. It's a good thoughtful though, not a bad thoughtful. People seem to be feeling down tonight. Lots of talk of feeling lost. Somehow in the midst of that, I'm feeling surprisingly hopeful. I feel like God is here. We're all lost, but God is here. Isn't that amazing? God is here. It's strange because I've been feeling kinda far away from God the last couple months, like my life is going, but I don't quite know where God is in the midst of that. But I keep living, praying, and looking. I see glimpses every once in a while. You know, those "wow!" moments. I love those. I guess tonight is one of those. Actually, I've been having a lot of them recently. It's awesome. I've been realizing that going through hard times helps you to see things so much clearer. I think that what the hard times I went through this last year has taught me the most is that God will never leave. So, He's here, and He's not going anywhere. Although we all feel lost, He's leading us someplace. So have hope! I've also been seeing how having experienced hard times really helps you to sympathize with, and encourage others. I pray that I will have more opportunity to do that.

Okay, completely different topic. So we had alumni bible study last night right? And we were studying Hebrews 2:5-18. Studying Hebrews is pretty hard, but really rewarding when you finally get something after hitting your head against it for a long time. It was awesome. Anyway, me and Jon had this really weird moment in Bible study. You know when you think of something really funny in Bible study. So I was reading "so that by his death he might destroy him who holds the power of death--that is, the devil" (part of Hebrews 2:14) and I was wondering "how does that work?" and all I saw in my head was the scene from the end of the third Matrix where Neo gets "injected" by Smith and that's how he destroys him. So I started laughing (the scene by the way did not help me to understand more how that whole thing works). But later, when sharing about why I was laughing, I was saying "how does that work?", and Jon goes, "Well, if you've seen the third Matrix movie . . ." I mean, it seems to me a very rational thing to think when reading that passage, I think that most people would think of the third matrix movie in that context (hmm, is that weird?), but I thought it was funny the way it happened.

Oh, another totally different topic . . . Ed told me tonight that he has become a fan of my blog, so I want to send a shout-out to Ed, my new fan. Much love to all my other loyal fans too! :)

it's been a while

2004-09-26T16:18:00.000-07:00

I've been meaning to get to write in here for a while, but I never get to it. I was talking to Jon the other night about how he doesn't live "real life" anymore because all he does is blog or read and comment on other people's blogs. I guess I've been living too much "real life" so I don't get a chance to blog :). It's been good. I've gotten to babysit twice this week. I love it! Greg and Lauren are great, and it's teaching me a lot about responsibility and patience, and how to handle hard situations. I feel like I've been able to talk and hang out with a lot of people and that's been pretty encouraging too. I've been realizing how easy life is for me here. At times I wish I were doing something more exciting or crazy like Brian and Greg. Sometimes I wish that because when you're doing stuff like that, you tend to worry about yourself less, you think less about your problems and relationship issues because you're surrounded by so much need.

Somehow I feel like right now God wants me to be here, where I do kinda have to think about stuff. I think He wants me here especially for the relationships. I feel like I've been seeing just how important relationship is, to people, and to God. How much of a blessing it's been for me to get to keep in touch with so many people and grow in my friendships with them, and how much you're able to help and encourage others through your friendships with them. I am praying that I can be doing the most with where God has put me.

Will a.k.a. "If there's a Will, there's a way" (I hate myself)

2004-09-22T01:51:00.000-07:00

I guess it's been a while since I posted at all, and it's been even longer since I've posted last about the interns. There's just one left. I'm sorry it's taken me so long, but here is the last installment of the eMi intern files. Maybe I've been saving the best for last ;). Anyway, it's all about Will. Will's the only one of us left in Colorado Springs. He's interning till December or something. Will's from Idaho, the closest one of all of us to Colorado Springs. He also worked at Noah's Ark rafting company as a rafting guide. He got us some awesome deals on white-water rafting.

Because he worked around there and knew people, he had friends coming to visit and he'd be going back and forth to guide on the weekends. Will was commenting to me one friday as we were walking to the Marian House (soup kitchen) that he was feeling a little funny about knowing other people around, like it was harder for him to really get into the "intern experience" because not everything was brand-new to him. I can kinda understand what he was talking about now. I feel like I'm kinda in a familiar place but doing very new things and it feels a little weird. I don't think that you missed out on very much though Will. It was really awesome to hang out with Will this summer. I feel like he is someone that I really would like to have gotten to know better. Even though he won't stand around at work and talk about it for hours while we're supposed to be working (he has a lot of integrity in his work), you can tell he really cares about what's going on for you. I would remember as he would walk by my desk to fill up his double gulp cup, he would ask me how things were going. It wasn't difficult to get into a serious conversation with him, because it's like he wasn't afraid to get under the surface, even though he didn't know you very well. Thanks Will. I also remember the first time we went rafting, we met up with a couple of his friends and I had one of the most encouraging conversations of the summer with one of his friends who I had just met. It was like God showing His goodness to me. Will is good people and Will knows good people.

I don't know if I should really put this down here cuz I am not sure Amanda knows yet, but if she doesn't, Will don't show her my blog. Anyway, Will is planning on proposing to his girlfriend Amanda very soon. He's working really hard to be able to afford a ring. And he's planning to invite all of us to his wedding (he better be at least!).

Okay, so from all this serious stuff I'm writing about Will, you must think that he's a pretty serious kind of guy. I don't know about that one. I guess he might be one of those complicated people because he can be completely serious, but be the least serious at the same time. We'll be having a serious discussion about something and then he'll make a terrible joke keeping a completely serious look on his face. Will is great a dry humor. Actually, I wouldn't say great because he must be funny only less than half the times he tries to be :). I miss his trying to tell jokes and getting to mock him because his jokes aren't funny.

Will lived with Ho-Jun this summer. I mean they were housemates, so he got some of the korean experience, however it seems that Will is lousy at korean. I think by the end of the summer Will knew exactly 4 korean words I think. 2 of which were kim-chee and bu-gol-gi. He would show off his korean knowledge by chanting "kim-chee bu-gol-gi kim-chee bu-gol-gi", and we'd all laugh at him. Good try Ho-Jun.

Anyway, I wanted to come up with a better nickname for Will. I didn't want to use the same one, so I used one to appeal to all those pun-lovers. The "Blue-Steel" nickname was all because Will tries to do the blue-steel pose for the camera pretty often, and I have to say is the best out of all of the interns at doing it. I don't know if that is saying much. I guess that's it. I think I must have left out a lot of stuff. I'm sorry Will if I have. It's what I get for procrastinating so long. I can write more later if something comes to me. It was good talking to you yesterday, and I wish you the best. Remember, invitations to the wedding . . .

what are the chances?

2004-09-19T03:03:00.001-07:00

Usually I'm not so crazy about online quizzes, but this one turned out pretty well.

You're Hawaii!

When they first meet you, few people can tell whether you want to say hello or goodbye. Either way, most of them will end up saying that you're their favorite person to visit, if only they could afford the trip. But your soft and warm image is
belied by an explosive undercurrent in your personality than can leave you drenched with tears or boiling with anger for days on end. You are rather fond of using plants as clothing.

Take the State Quiz
at the Blue Pyramid.

ick

2004-09-17T16:11:00.000-07:00

Man, today was the climax of my bad week. I got the most horrible cramps at work today. So bad the pain made me lightheaded and weak and I dropped a cup of hot water on the floor while a co-worker was talking to me. I wanted to die. Anyway, they made me go home cuz I was so out of it. I was really thankful, but then because of an accident on the freeway, I was stuck in LA traffic going less than 5 mph for an hour and a half. I was crying and swearing for most of it, and it sucked. Sigh, eventually I got back to Sharon's, and proceeded to pass out for 2 hours. I'm feeling a little better now. At least this explains why the rest of my week has been so bad, why I've been so tired/frustrated the last few days, and should also mean that the next few weeks should be nice.

stuff to think about

2004-09-13T17:41:00.000-07:00

Today was a hard day. I felt anxious and a little annoyed all day, and then a lot of little things kept happening that really got to me. It's like you can take a few bad things, but when they all happen at once, it gets to you and you feel like you want to explode. So that's how today was for me. I decided then to go for a jog, cuz I thought I could take out my aggression that way and somehow get a better perspective on things. So I left, and I found that the sidewalk was closed on the route that I usually take, which made me a little more upset, and I just ended up jogging around the park. Actually, I jogged for a bit, but I ended up walking around the park.

I was so upset, and it just seemed that every different train of thought I started became negative. I was just angry about everything, and wanted to complain about everything in my life. Some random thought made me think of Jonah and how he disobeys God and complains to God about everything in his life. I can really relate to Jonah. Kinda sad, but it might be one of the characters in the bible that I am the most like. (I took a personality test once that told me that one of the people in the bible with my personality is Jonah, but that's a different story) Anyway, it made me think about how things are hard, and I don't necessarily WANT to be where God wants me to be because it's pretty painful; I mean for Jonah, the path that took him to prophesy to Ninevah could have been really hard, and maybe that's the reason he decided not to do it (probably isn't, but could have been). I guess it's pretty obvious what the right conclusion to that train of thought is, but sometimes it's really hard to convince yourself that where God wants you is the place you need to be even though it sucks. I prayed and asked God to help me to believe it, and help me to change the way I was seeing things.

It's amazing how my thoughts changed after that. I thought about how yesterday I feel like I was refreshed a little, getting a glimpse of God again after not really seeing Him for a while. I wanted to put more effort into making some changes in my life and aligning my life to be more like Jesus. I remembered how often opposition comes right after revelation, that these hard things may have been there to test my faith in the things God has been revealing to me. I also was able to remember God's amazing love for me, how He cares about the things going on in my life, so it's not like I really have to worry about where He puts me, because "He works everything out for the good of those who love Him and who are called by His purpose." It was really nice to walk in the park too. It's a pretty park, the wind was blowing (I love the wind) and I just felt at peace. Sigh. Thanks God.

I was thinking about something else today too. I was thinking about the people I hang out with, and have realized a trend. I have always seen either a group of all Christians or mostly Christians with one or two non-Christians, or a group where I'm pretty much the only Christian. I guess in all my experience this has been the case, not only the groups I hang out with, but also in groups my friends have described to me. I don't like either of these situations. In the first, there's always this tendency for Christians to be exclusive and get into the Christian culture and make other people feel uncomfortable. But in the other situation, I often feel like if I make decisions based on what I am convicted to do, people see me as thinking I'm too good for them. I don't have accountability and fellowship in those groups at all. Hmm, I guess it's pretty much just the tendency of Christians to hang out with Christians, and non-Christians to hang out with non-Christians, and the fact that no one really wants to mix. Often when a Christian mixes with a group of non-Christians, he tends to compromise a lot of his beliefs. It's interesting to think about. I love Christian people, and I love non-Christian people, I love hanging out with everybody. I don't really know why it has to be so difficult. I guess I don't have much more to share on this topic. I don't have too many clear answers. Just thought I'd throw it out there cuz I was thinking about it.

weekend

2004-09-12T23:18:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I didn't take any pictures. I was not very motivated to because I left my camera in the van from the start of the trip because there was too much stuff to unload. It was pretty fun though. It wasn't the "getting away to nature" kind of trip I was expecting. You have to laugh at the southern california nature in comparison to most other places (I miss colorado and hawaii!). We couldn't swim in the lake because they used it as a drinking water source or something and so we couldn't pollute it although they didn't really regulate the kinds of boats going in it. Anyway, it was really hot, and overall an "okay" camping trip. One really cool thing though was that the stars were great. I couldn't even tell where the big dipper was cuz there were so many stars that I wouldn't normally see. It was beautiful! It made me really thankful, although at the time, the people I was walking with were trying to freak each other out and it was a little distracting.

Anyway, we got back today and I went to the first alumni bible study. It was awesome! There were only 4 people there, me, Rosey, Jon, and James. We studied Luke 7:24-35. I don't think I've ever studied that passage inductively before. I feel like it made me think about really cool things that I haven't thought about in a long time. Strange, but it feels like it's been forever since I really thought about grace. Such a fundamental idea in the Christian life, but when I thought about it again, it surprised me and seemed really new to me that our place in the kingdom of God has nothing to do with us, but only to do with the grace we're given from God. Then God showed me something really applicable to my life right now in his metaphor about the people of this generation. "They are like children sitting in the marketplace and calling out to each other: "We played the flute for you, and you did not dance; we wailed, and you did not weep." -Luke 7:32. Jesus emphasizes the importance of rejoicing with others when they rejoice and mourning with others when they mourn. I thought about the way I've been feeling about
people lately (like what I posted on my last blog entry), and I definitely haven't been so sympathetic. I think especially about the mourning when others mourn thing. People have
People have been talking to me a lot lately about relationships they feel negatively about, that they're not happy about the way things are going. Whenever I hear them talk about that, it just makes me think of all the relationships in my life that I feel really crappy about.There are way too many, and it makes me sad, but I think for the wrong reasons. So I think I have been running away from those people, even though that's like the opposite of compassion. We talked in the bible study about how to deal with that, and we came to the conclusion that we need to be at a place where we've come to terms with the hard stuff that's going on in our lives, so that we are able to help others. Not that it's going away anytime soon, but we can't just keep pushing all that stuff on the side and not deal with it. At least we need to come to a place where we have a peace that God can and will take care of it. So I'm going to try to apply it, and not run away from the hard stuff.

Anyway, I'm feeling pretty good after that. God's really good about showing you what you need to know when you need to know it :).

tired

2004-09-09T23:06:00.000-07:00

Today was really draining. I'm not quite sure why. I just got hit with this extreme fatigue tonight. Sigh . . . I opened a bank account this morning and was hit with the fact that I don't know where I'll be living in about a month and a half. My parents don't give me much room to forget that fact too. So I stepped up the job hunting today and applied for 8 more on monstertrak. Hopefully I'll find something soon. But when I was finally filling out the paperwork to get paid today at my temporary job, Karl (the office manager) was saying that if I'm still here in 3 months, he'll have to do something about insurance. They don't seem in a hurry to get rid of me. Although the situation is a little hectic, especially with the traffic, it seems like it's a place for me to be right now. I also realized this morning that I haven't really been giving things over to God. I've been letting them get me frustrated, but not really asking God about them. I tried today. I feel like I'm not sure again what it means to give something over to God, but that usually happens when you're trying to do that. We'll see what happens :).

I just feel kinda overwhelmed today, and I really don't understand why. It's not like I'm doing very much, but I have no energy to do stuff or talk to people, and I just feel like people only have negative things to talk about. People like to talk about what they see wrong with their lives and what they need. I guess my blog entry is mostly like that right now (funny huh?). I don't think it's bad in general. I think that we need to talk about the things we're not satisfied with, but I'm feeling like I need to be more thankful for stuff. When you're thankful, everything seems better.

So anyway, tomorrow I'm going to korean aerobics (bright and early) and run some errands, pack, then off camping. I don't know where we're going camping or really who we're going camping with (except Sharon and Ed and that the rest of them are from anime expo). It should be good though. I'm looking forward to some time with nature, taking in God's beauty. We are gonna get to go fishing! I also got the EIT review manual in the mail today, so we're taking that camping with us :). I'll try to take some pictures so I can share with everyone when I get back :).

stuff

2004-09-06T23:19:00.000-07:00

Things have been confusing lately. I feel like I'm not doing enough and feeling like I'm doing too much at the same time. I've expressed this to a few people already. Today, I took some time to pray and read the bible. Usually times like that at least help me feel refreshed or more at peace, and somehow, I didn't really feel like I got anything out of it. It was awesome to get to pray for a lot of people more in-depth than I usually do, but as far as the unsettled feeling, it's still kinda there. On the other hand, after the time praying, it was easier to make a decision about what I was going to do today than it was before. I was stressed out about what I was going to do today cuz I thought I had a lot to do, but I decided that I didn't really. So today I decided to make dinner for Sharon's family. They've been so nice to me while I've been here that's why. So Sharon and I made tempura and beef donburi. It actually turned out really well. Tempura is a pain in the butt to cook though. Then we watched a movie, "Riding in Cars with Boys". It was really good. I was surprised because I thought it was going to be a crappy drama, but it's a really well made movie. Ed was over and being a trouble-maker(I told him I'd mention him in the blog, I might eventually write a profile about him), but it was still a good night.

Anyway, I guess what I'm wanting right now is just a little more ability to see God. I feel like when I was in Colorado, I didn't feel like I had these great personal interaction times with God, but I could see God so clearly in my life, in the ways things all turned out. I just feel like now I'm out of touch somehow, and I want things to mean more to me than they do. I've also only been back 2 weeks, and I always worry too much or become confused about things that aren't supposed to make me confused (i ALWAYS do this).

Lisa a.k.a. "W'all shington beauty" (hahahahaha . . . the nickname is all Dave's fault)

2004-09-04T21:25:00.000-07:00

So, I got 2 more to go, and now it's Lisa's turn. Sorry it's taking me so long guys. I guess I'm getting slower and slower. I don't have the motivation that I did before, so you guys should get on my case more :).

Lisa's from Seattle, or around there somewhere and goes to UW along with 30 million other people. Okay, I'm exaggerating. She's another architecture major. We had too much of those this summer :). She's the only other intern from the "west side" (hahaha). Anyway, Lisa's really awesome. Because UW is on the quarter system, she came 2 weeks later than everyone else. She got here like one day before she had to leave for Honduras. She was feeling really sick that day too. She's a real trooper. I think that's something I really liked about her, it seemed like no matter what she was going through, she was able to take what was coming with a firm faith that God was going to get her through, and not only get her through, but bless her. She was often really excited about doing things and you'd never hear her complain.

Lisa also has an amazing faith. She loves to read and study the Bible. She works really hard to understand scripture deeply. It seems we had a lot of really deep thinkers among our intern group this summer. She also reads a lot of Christian literature. She reads so quickly, she pretty much inhales books. I love that. I wish I could do that. She also has a pretty healthy level of submission to authority. I think I lack that sometimes, and tend to have a rebellious streak because I really like to understand why I believe what I believe and why I am doing what I'm doing. She is good at submitting to authority, I think especially the authority of God.

Another thing about Lisa is that I think that she's a true introvert. She is very good about making sure she gets her alone time, whereas me and Jenni weren't so good about that :). It was good though because she encouraged(or forced) us to take breaks and spend some time with God. She has told me before that she is often bad about sharing things with other people, and that her relationships tend to be ones where other people share a lot with her and she listens and helps them, but she often doesn't share too much. Lisa is a really amazing listener though. She was really there for me when I was going through a lot of hard stuff this summer. She was always there to listen and support me. She left me a post-it note on my computer screen with a nice note and scripture. The verses were perfect for me too. I still have the post-it :). She would also send me "romantic" emails :) when I was saying I needed more romance in my life, and while Jenni called me "babe", Lisa called me "sweetie". It was really nice.

Let's not get the wrong idea here. Lisa has a boyfriend named Ben. It's kinda cool because Ben got an internship in Colorado Springs with Overseas International (is that right?) for the month of August, so he came down and we got to hang out with him a bunch too. This is a picture of Ben and Lisa. Something that was a little rough on me though was that they both liked puns waaaaaaaaay too much. Ben was a lot worse than Lisa, but she was pretty bad too. For being quiet and introverted, she had an extremely weird side too. I don't know how to explain it, but Lisa could get hyper and act pretty crazy. She also started using the contraction "w'all". I think it came from our teasing Dave about his southern accent and his saying "y'all", that she started using "w'all" to mean "we all". She'd send emails to all the interns asking "What're w'all doing tonight?" Although she did want breaks in our schedule, Lisa was good at planning our calendar. She'd bring "the list" (all the stuff we wanted to do this summer) to my desk, and we'd plan out weeks. It didnt' work so well, but she's a lot better at it than I am, so I think I was the weak link there.

Lisa was a great friend to me this summer. I hope that we will be able to keep in touch. She inspired me to seek strongly after God and not to compromise on your commitments to Him. She touched me through her encouragement and quiet faith, but also her ability to be excited and have fun.

bible study

2004-08-30T14:25:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I went to Sharon's church and she had to help out at the youth service after the service we went to so she told me to go to the english ministry bible study and she would meet me after. The bible study was really good. It was about failure and we studied Luke 22:24-34 and 54-62. I don't ever remember reading that passage. I must have, but hmm.

So the thing that really struck me was that Jesus knew that Peter was going to betray him, and it was like he was saying "you're going to fail me, but after that, when you're restored, strengthen your brothers." (vs. 32). There's so much grace in that. Jesus doesn't take failure as seriously as we do sometimes it seems. He was going to restore Peter again and have faith in him and give him responsibility in His kingdom. I think Jesus sees failure more as an opportunity to learn and grow than some kind of dead end, which is how we see it at times. Gotta love how God can be in control even in the midst of our many failures.

keeping in touch

2004-08-28T17:40:00.000-07:00

Today was kinda cool. I vowed to take a day off from driving because in just 4 days, I have gotten completely sick of LA traffic. So most of today was spent indoors and on the phone :). It was a nice keeping in touch day. I got to talk to Brian for a while, and then Brian's mom. Then I called Adam and Ivan. It was really good to talk to them and kinda weird at the same time because it's wei I finished my blog entry about Matthew. I think that was good, it helped me remember good times from the summer. Ho-Jun also called me to tell me he started taking Lindy lessons. Haha, look what I started :). I got to talk to Trudy (who is now engaged by the way), Brad (who's army unit is activated and will be going to Iraq in October), and Joel (who will hopefully be a CPA in 3 years). It's so crazy. So much keeping in touch today. It's good to see that there are so many people that I have known and cared about, and still care about. Praise God for them! But maybe tomorrow I'll make a vow to take a day off from using the phone :).

I also played some internet spades with Sharon. She finally said I was good enough to play rated games with her, so yeah, and we won our first three rated games, yay!

Tonight, Sharon's aunt, uncle, and cousin came over for dinner and we had Kal bi and lots of amazing korean side dishes. Man, I love korean food. I gotta start being more disciplined about the running though if I'm gonna keep eating so well :).

Overall, today was a good day, it reminded me of God's provision, His infinite love for me, and how He'll always give me exactly what I need. In the midst of things being really unsettled, I can know that everything will turn out great :). Thank you Jesus!

Matthew a.k.a. "M-dogg"

2004-08-27T17:34:00.000-07:00

Wow, hmm, it seems like there's so much to write about Matthew and I don't know where to start. Matthew said that he was afraid to read what I'm going to write about him. I think he has something to be afraid of ;). One thing that struck me about Matthew right away was his insistence on being called Matthew. I have known a lot of Matthews in the past, and they've all gone by Matt, but not this one . . .

He's a really quiet guy. I guess people that know me well know that I tend to hang around quiet people (you can make your own guesses at why that is). Anyway, so Matthew's a pretty interesting person. He's really quiet, but when he gets to know you better, he's really quick to mock anything and everything you do. I'm not joking, Matthew is relentless with his "one-liners" as Dave calls them. I think that's one reason I got along with Matthew so well, we both love to mock things and people :). He's also a really good sport. Although he didn't let me teach him how to dance, he'll sing "Livin' La Vida Loca" at karaoke if you sign him up for it :). I wonder who did that . . . :)

Matthew's definitely an architect. He's such a perfectionist, his desk always has to be neat, he tends to be very punctual, he has to have everything prepared waaaaaaay ahead of time. We helped him to grow in patience this summer as we always seemed to take forever to decide what to do or even once we decided, we'd take forever to get all of us there. He has commented on his annoyance at this several times.

Matthew is also from Rhode Island. I still don't really understand why this is so funny, but oh well. Oh yeah, I remember, so he once told me this saying they say in Rhode Island: "I'm Rhode Island born and Rhode Island bred, and when I die, I'll be Rhode Island dead." Did I get it right, Matthew? :) Once when stopped at a stoplight, the guydriving behind him stopped, got out of his car, and took a picture of Matthew's License plate cuz I guess he hadn't seen a Rhode Island license plate before. Matthew says that most people in Rhode Island get their initials on their license plates because it's so small.

Matthew also loves sappy romantic comedies. He likes to say that he likes "chick flicks". He insisted that we had to go see "The Princess Diaries 2". They went to see it a couple days after I left Colorado. I can't decide yet if I'm glad that I missed it or not. He also likes country music. I still don't really understand his tie to country music, but yeah, it's like the only thing he listens to in his car. Because of the times I rode in his car, I got a lot more exposure to country this summer. I found myself listening to a country radio station on my way home from work today :). You were such a good influence on me, Matthew.

Okay, I have to start writing good things about Matthew now :). I just thought I'd get my mocking in, hmm, I'm sure there's a lot more bad things to write though . . . :)

So, seriously, something that really struck me about Matthew was his ability to reflect on situations and see the themes and lessons to take away from it. I think that it's because he thinks a lot, but doesn't always share what he's thinking. Then, when he has things more figured out and put together, he shares and blows everyone away. I used to think that when people were quiet, they didn't have much going on, and so, not much to say, but I know that's not true, and definitely not true with Matthew. I've been so blessed by the times that he's shared stuff (in speeches or just one-on-one).

He's really good at writing speeches, scrapbooking, and making movies of his experiences and think that his ability to see what God has done through those experiences really shows through those things. He helped me write my sharing about Honduras talk. I didn't get to hear him give his closing speech, but I got to read it before I left (seeing as he finished it a week ahead of time). It was really awesome, and it made me want to cry. I've also had the opportunity to make scrapbook pages with Matthew and marvel at his mastery at scrapbooking, as well as see him piece together a movie about his summer in a couple hours. He's amazing! (Sorry Jenni, don't worry, you're amazing too!) I guess another thing comes to mind when I think about that. Matthew is really artsy (well, not weird artsy, but surprisingly so for a guy). He appreciates pretty things, and knows what pretty things are. I really admire that. Here's a picture of the watermelon in which Matthew carved the state of Illinois for Jenni and Ho-Jun's last night. Notice the star indicating where Champaigne is. That really blew me away.

Matthew also has one of the greatest smiles ever. It's one of those contagious smiles. I don't think I ever told him that, but yeah. When I was feeling a little down sometimes, I'd be talking to him, and he never really knows what to say (because he's so quiet), but his smile would always make me want to smile too. So yeah, I really miss you, Matthew. I think I could use some of those smiles right now :).

So, I think that's it. One thing that's great is that I know Matthew will keep in touch. He's good about that, so even in writing this, I don't feel like it's really saying goodbye. I'll be praying for you, Matthew. Make sure you have some fun over there in Rhode Island, we won't be around to make sure you have lots of fun stuff to do ;).

life in so-cal

2004-08-25T16:56:00.000-07:00

Sigh, so I'm back in southern california . . . yipee. I mean I'm not that sad about it, there are great things about being here: you can get almost every kind of food you'd want to eat (including hawaiian), there's great diversity (it's awesome to see such a mix of people), it's close to the ocean (although the beaches kinda suck), you're 45 minutes from pretty much anything, and lots of my friends are here. Okay, so it's sounding better. I also get to go swing dancing at a real swing club on thursday night. Hooray!!! Okay, I think I cheered myself up about being here even after driving through the LA smog and traffic.

Okay, on to other news, I need a name for my car. I came to the conclusion that it's too cute to have a boy's name, so that limits the options, but if you have any suggestions, you can comment or you can email me at iwannadance12345@yahoo.com.

Oh, I'm really proud of myself. The other night, I really wanted to put links in my blog, so what I did was looked at the html code that makes up my template and found where those other sidebar things are and added some code that made me a little Links section. Hey Brian, aren't you proud of me too? :) I still have to figure out how to make line breaks so I can put other links in it.

Started a job today. That whole thing is a little more complicated so I'm not going to write too much about that here. The people there are really nice though, and the first day was a good experience overall.

I guess that's some kind of update. Please help me out with some car name suggestions! :)

Dave "that movie was life changing" (that's a quote not a nickname)

2004-08-23T21:21:00.000-07:00

Here we go Dave. Sorry it took so long, it seems settling in takes a little time. I'm still not very settled in seeing as I have to move again tomorrow. Anyway, I really want to continue writing about the rest of the interns, and it's Dave's turn. Dave left Colorado Springs the same day as I did so he's the next in line.

Dave's from Virginia. You wouldn't think that's a very important fact about him, but it IS important. So important in fact that he doesn't let you forget it. Dave is very proud of the state of Virginia and finds some way to say that it is better than anywhere else he has been. That's also amazing because he's been all over the world. His parents are both in the military so Dave has traveled a lot. Dave has a southern accent that he wants to get rid of because he thinks that there is a stereotype that people with southern accents are dumb. He's not so dumb though.

Dave just graduated from the University of Virginia (another place he's very proud of) in structural engineering. He is one of the 3 interns who have graduated. He will be joining the naval civil engineer corps in the spring. It was really cool having another structural engineering intern in the office. I could go bug him at his desk and talk to him about concrete and loading and fun things like that. It's kinda sad because I didn't get to spend that much time with Dave. He didn't come out with us too often. I wish I had gotten to know him better.

The thing that I liked most about Dave was that he is a really honest person. He isn't afraid to say no to someone, share how he feels about something, or tell it like it is even though it's not always something that people want to hear. I admire his straightforwardness. Dave became a Christian not too long ago. His family is traditionally Catholic and most of his best friends aren't Christian. He has had to struggle with not having much Christian community among the people closest to him. He is still struggling trying to figure out how to be a good witness to them. Dave is also trying to figure out what kind of church he wants to belong to (like me). He really wants to be able to reconcile his faith with the Catholic tradition he has grown up with, and wants to be a witness there as well. He knows he has a lot more to learn, and is very eager to learn things. He has a loves to study the bible in-depth, to think very deeply and critically about it. I also love that about him, that desire for wisdom and answers to deep questions.

Dave also loves extreme things. He has done marathons, other crazy races, and is very disciplined in his exercising. He wants to get to the top of each of the Seven Summits, the tallest peaks on the 7 continents. He's crazy but I believe he'll do it. Go Davey!

last day at eMi

2004-08-17T16:38:00.000-07:00

hmm, today was my last day at eMi. It feels very strange making such a big change. I still haven't said most of my goodbyes because I'm going to hang out with the interns tonight and tomorrow they'll all see me off at the Omelette Parlor (it's half price on omelettes before 7 am).

We all went to play shuffleboard today at lunch and Will beat me 83-71. It was an awesome game though, a nail-biter. Then Will bought me a double gulp from 7-11. It is a very LARGE drink (1.9 liters). He thought it would look funny with little me drinking such a big drink (it's about 2 times the size of my head). I didn't even finish half of it.

I also got to take a nice walk with Danna for our last mentoring time and she prayed for me. I'm gonna miss her a lot. She's been an awesome mentor. Don't have much time to write. Jon's waiting for me so we can leave the office for the last time. I probably won't post for a little while, but I gotta remember to get profiles of the other interns up.

Thanks eMi, it's been fun!

comments

2004-08-16T11:47:00.000-07:00

hey, i figured out how to let anyone post comments even if you're not a blogger user. Yay! So yeah, now it should work.

Adam a.k.a. "White Lightning"

2004-08-12T12:00:00.000-07:00

Today was Adam's last day, and it's a good thing that we had a good talk last night about it being time to leave and saying goodbye and all that because this goodbye stung.

I guess the first thing to say about Adam is that he's a really caring, considerate guy. Adam was the first to respond to me when I first emailed the whole group of interns a couple months before coming here. When I had said that I had never been to Colorado before and I was worried about the weather, he assured me that I'd think it was beautiful, and I'd be okay. He also said he'd be praying for me. Even though I didn't know anything about Colorado or anyone here, I felt better about coming here knowing that Adam would be here. Then Adam was put on my project trip team. Last night he asked me if I thought there was a reason that we were placed on the teams that we went with. He was asking himself, "why Ho-Jun and Michelle?" I don't quite have an answer for you there Adam. But I can think of a lot of reasons though why God put Adam and Ho-Jun in my life and gave me that opportunity to get to know them better. Adam is also the kind of guy that when he drops you off at night, waits till you get into the house before he leaves. Me and Jenni were talking about that and we think it's awesome! This one night, Adam was dropping me off. The outside light wasn't on and I couldn't find the keyhole, so it took me like almost 5 minutes to get into the house. Adam waited, and he yelled to me to see if I was okay. Wow.

Adam's a really outdoorsy guy ;) (don't worry Adam, I'm not calling you cute). He loves backpacking (even in freezing cold weather), fly-fishing, hmm, pretty much everything outdoorsy. He has his own $100 water filter to filter water from streams when he's backpacking. He's a really good guy to have around if you're going camping, because it seems like he always knows what to do.

Another thing that I love about Adam is that he's up for anything. There are too many instances of this to really describe how it's true. Dancing, singing, dressing up, games, eating different foods. He's such a great sport. He danced with me a lot this summer too, and dancing with Adam is always a blast. He's got the waltz down and is catching on to Lindy. He also has this way of singing, where it's like he's not quite in the right key or melody, but it still sounds like the song. It's impossible to sing along with him though ;).

Adam's also very silly. He says the randomest things and tells the cornyest jokes. His expressions are often very exaggerated and it seems like he's always full of energy. The best way I think that I can describe his personality is when I say to someone "take it easy", I would mean "act like Adam". He's hilarious (I probably say that about everyone, but I really think that Adam's hilarious).

Adam has an incredible faith. I'm really inspired by it. It always seems like Adam has no worries, but it's because he trusts God with his life, with everything that is happening and will happen to him. Adam loves seeking after God, and intentionally makes time to listen, pray, and reflect. He can just sit for hours journaling about the things that God is doing in his life and the things he's experiencing. I am surprised because he's so silly that I wouldn't think that he would ponder things so deeply, but sometimes he'll just ask a really deep question and catch everyone off guard. He's the type of person that fills his life with things that remind him of God. Oftentimes when someone fills their lives with things that remind them of God, everything starts reminding them of God. That's what I see in Adam. He just lets everything take him back to God.

Oh, and he gave himself the nickname "White Lightning" while playing ping pong with me. Adam, you're great. Remember that we need to plan our intern reunion!

kinda quiet

2004-08-10T12:33:00.000-07:00

I think today's the first day that it's really setting in that everyone's leaving. The office is so quiet (what I expected with Jenni gone :). Today, I was asking around at what everyone was doing for lunch. We had usually gone to the park every day to eat, but out of the 4 interns that were in the office today, 2 of them had mentoring lunches and Lisa wanted to go to the bank. I ended up eating at my desk and catching up on random information on the internet (Jon's cool India pictures, Jordy's blog).

I decided to look at George Bush and John Kerry's political agendas so that I could be a more inforned voter. I still don't know how that's going to work out (california or hawaii residency) but I want to vote this year. Not that I know anything or could make a good decision about stuff like this (remember when I voted for Nader freshman year? Everyone made fun of me). I don't ever really agree with anyone, so how am I supposed to make a decision on who to vote for? We'll see.

I was also reading "The Healing Path" some and was surprised to see that it was talking about being American Christians in a way that didn't piss me off. Yay! Sorry that I'm skipping around so much, but to me thinking about Christian America is directly related to thinking about American government. I don't really know what it means to be a Christian in America, and am constantly struggling with that. I still struggle with being in Colorado Springs and hearing so often the view that America is always right. Anyway, the book says:

"There is a shrill, chest-pounding demand among some that we must return to a "Christian America." The stridency and self-righteousness often associated with those views only seem to kindle a more intense "secular" response of disdain that insists Christianity return to the margins. The defensive world says, "Don'e impose your views on me." The angry church clamors back, "You are not only imposing your godless philosophies on me through the public schools and the media, but you are taking my freedoms away." The result is an intractable debate that further serves to divide and distract the church from living the gospel. What exactly are some Christians calling society to return to? No monolithic, singular Christian viewpoint has ever structured our society; pluralism has been the United States' foundation since its inception. And even if there once was a culture we associate with a more civilized, uniform, and predictable era, it is no more possible to restore that consensus than to click our ruby heels and suddenly return to Kansas. Instead our important task is to engage our culture."

It says more, but it's easier to end there. I gotta get back to work. I'm trying not to be frustrated about work here. Funny, but a lot of it feels meaningless too. I thought I came here to do work that would do something for God's kingdom. I haven't felt that way. I went to Honduras and saw the needs of the deaf community there, and was struck by God's love for them, and His desire to help them, so I was excited about helping with the project. It seems though that that project is a little stuck because the architect hasn't been in touch, and I don't know if I'll get any work done on it before I leave. Maybe I just have a bad attitude today, but it seems like people in the office just want interns around so that they can do busywork to make things look nice. I think people care too much about things looking nice.

cowboy weekend

2004-08-09T11:26:00.000-07:00

This last weekend was lots of fun. It was kinda sad though because Ho-Jun and Jenni left, then Will went to the Carolinas for a wedding and to talk to his girlfriend's dad about marrying her (go Will!), Dave went to California to visit a friend, and Lisa's family was in town so she was hanging out with them. Only Matthew, Adam, and I were left.

Peter, Adam's roomie just got a new job scheduling worship at the world prayer center. It's quite a change from his engineering job. He starts on wednesday. Because of that, his friends decided to throw him a cowboy themed karaoke party. Peter really wants to be a cowboy, but he thinks that the only way he could be one is to marry into a ranching family or something. Who knows? :) Anyway, so on saturday (after I saw Jenni off at 5 in the morning) we went shopping for costumes to wear to the party. It was a lot of fun! I ended up getting a good deal on pants at Target, but that's a different story. It was kinda stressful to try to figure out what would make me look like a cowgirl. I don't know that there are many asian cowgirls out there. We realized it's all about accesories, and it was mostly the hat. I ended up just buying a hat at WalMart (boo), and I found a cool shirt (actually Matthew found it for me) at the Western Warehouse (it wasn't really a cowgirl shirt, but it was nice, cheap, and I'd wear it again). Then we went back to Peter's and dressed up. Matthew made Adam this aluminum foil belt buckle that said "1975 Rodeo Champ" on it. It was huge. I have a picture of Adam with his belt buckle, but it's blurry.

(By the way, Brian just gave me webspace to post pictures now so I don't have to deal with stupid buzznet.com that only lets me post 10 pictures a day. If you want to look at that gallery, it s at http://zakarov.suitejesus.com/friends/gallery/mich/ although most of the pictures will be linked to on the blog (but not all))

Anyway, after dressing up, we decided to go to a Japanese restaurant. Peter says it's the best Japanese restaurant in Colorado Springs. It was pretty good. It was the first time in a long time that I've had japanese food. Hooray for sushi! Peter paid for the meal . . . did I mention that Peter is awesome? We then headed for the party. It's kinda sad because Jenni left and she would take tons of pictures with her digital camera, and Matthew got sand in his at the sand dunes, so all the picture-taking was left to me. I didn't do such a great job, but at least we have some. Here are Matthew, Adam, and I at the party. I didn't sing much country (I don't know too much country), but Adam and I decided to dance to every song. It was so much fun. I got to polka, waltz, Lindy, and just do whatever. Here's a picture of Matthew and Adam being weird (I love that picture, It sort of captures how strange Adam can be at times). Here's a picture of me and Matthew. Jeni (a different one), she's Lisa's roomie for the summer, she has a karaoke business, so she DJ'd for the event. She's awesome. She also DJ'd for our other karaoke party last week.

Let's see, what else? Oh, so after the party, we decided to watch the movie, "The Man from Snowy River". It was a cowboy movie. It was interesting, not bad for a movie that was made in 1982, although the special effects were a little iffy.

On sunday, I went to New Life church with Adam. The service was pretty interesting because they were between studying two books of the bible, instead of a sermon, the pastor went over questions that people in the congregation have asked him and tried to answer them. There were questions about the nation of Israel, the rapture, women teaching, speaking in tongues. I mean, so many controversial Christian topics. I was a little overwhelmed after listening to that. I liked some things the pastor had to say, and disagreed with others. It was good because it challenged me to think about those things. I usually don't.

After church, Matthew and I decided to put together the scrapbook pages that Danna had allotted us in her scrapbook. She only gave us 2 pages, can you believe that? So, we put some of our pictures on a CD and took it to Walgreens to get them printed. I love crafts, but I have never done a scrapbook before. It was okay though, because Matthew has scrapbook experience :). We went to Peter's to do the scrapbook so Adam could "help". It was really fun! I have pictures of the finished product, but they're kinda bad because they're a little blurry and the flash leaves bad reflections on the pictures. Here's the first page, and here's the second page.

Then we decided to watch another movie. Matthew and I went to Blockbuster, and after being there for over half an hour, decide to get "The Muppet Movie". I think that was my fault. We went back to Peter's and found out that "The Muppet Movie" is horrible. Peter had the movie, "The Horse Whisperer" (another cowboy movie), so we decided to watch that instead. We must have put in the movie at like 10 pm, not realizing that it's 2 and a half hours long. I really liked the movie, although I'm a little bit tired today. Oh well, I only have another week and a half in the springs, so I gotta make use of the time I have left. Adam's also leaving this friday . . . more goodbyes. Sigh. Anyway, that's the end of my cowboy weekend. I learned that cowboys are pretty cool and I can understand the "Cowboy Take me Away" song by the Dixie Chicks now :). Although, when we went to Cowboys, the night club, no one was very friendly there. So maybe I don't like cowboys as much as I think I do. Hmm, I'm confused, though I really want to go horseback riding now :).

Jenni a.k.a. "I'm amazing!"

2004-08-09T10:02:00.000-07:00

Wow, I don't know how to write about Jenni. I have called her Sista the whole summer, and I totally feel like that's what she's been to me. While we were praying Ho-Jun and Jenni out this morning, I realized that Jenni has been God's grace to me this summer. God knew I needed a roommate, and He knew I needed someone to encourage me and get me excited about things. I have to admit, in the beginning I was a little annoyed at how excited she was about EVERYTHING, but now, I'm pretty excited too :).

It's a little tough that she's leaving, but I know that we'll see each other again, maybe as soon as september at Ivan's harvest party :). Anyway, before I describe her anymore, here are some pictures of Jenni. There aren't too many pictures of just Jenni because she takes most of them. On the other hand, there are about 5 million pictures of me and Jenni together, so I'll put a couple of those in.

What is she doing?
spoon
aren't we cute?
Jenni piggy-backing me
eating candy off our candy necklaces (that's my desk in the background)

So Jenni . . . I have to say that she would not normally be someone that I would get along with very well. I don't know if I have told you any of this Jenni, but yeah, I usually have problems with people like you (outgoing and very confident), but I've had AMAZING times of fellowship with Jenni this summer. I loved the times that we stayed up late talking even when we would be sooooo tired at work the next day, and I wouldn't have been able to survive without her physical affection ;). She would also make me melt when she called me babe. She knows how to make you laugh. Her laughter is really contagious. When she laughs at the office, everyone knows, and it's great. Man, things are going to be waaaaaay too quiet without Jenni at the office. It was great when I would go run an errand or something, come back to my desk and Jenni is sitting in my chair looking at pictures on my computer. It's amazing how much work we get done here :). Also, sometimes I pick up on things that people tend to say often. One day I was repeating to Jenni the phrases that I hear her saying often, "I'm amazing!" being the big one. She then replied, "if someone didn't know me very well, they could mistake me for the most conceited person on the planet." There is no need to say anymore about that . . . :) There are serious things to say about Jenni too, even though the non-serious things about her were one of the greatest blessings (for everyone that knows me, you know how serious I can be at times, I think I needed some non-serious stuff this summer).

This girl loves God. It's inspiring how much she loves God. She thinks very deeply about the Bible and is really good at recognizing God's faithfulness. She has troubles, but in the midst of those she is good at never despairing. We had some great talks about life and love. One of the moments I will never forget was when we decided to pray together. We were both feeling a little uncertain about things in our lives, so this one night we just decided to pray, and we prayed for like 45 minutes. It was awesome.

I'm gonna share some other random Jenni facts. Jenni is from Illinois and is half Korean, half white. In her testimony, she talked about most of the blessings in her life coming from her mother's faithfulness in prayer, how her mother, being a single parent, would have to work really hard to support her family, but would still get up really really early in the morning to pray for her children. Jenni's mom sounds awesome, I'd like to meet her someday. Jenni is a person that always has to be doing something. It's kinda cool to live with her because it seems like I'm never bored. As soon as there's nothing to do, she tells me to call someone up and see what they're up to (I'd always call because even though she's really social, she doesn't know how to use a phone). Jenni also loves Korean culture. She is constantly asking Ho-Jun what everything means in Korean. She wants to go to Korea, and learn Korean and do everything Korean. I guess that's the best way to describe it.

Jenni left on friday and I was going to post something about her not calling me to tell me that she reached safely, but she just called :). Yay! I miss you Jenni! Hopefully I'll see you again soon.

Ho-Jun a.k.a. "Tony"

2004-08-06T11:59:00.000-07:00

Ho-Jun and Jenni are leaving tomorrow morning. Goodbyes are so hard. This summer has been really weird, it's like the interns spend all their time together and get to know each other really well, and then we all leave. Jenni likes to make me sad and say things like "what if we never see each other again?" Sigh. Anyway, I'm going to continue my writing about each intern, and it's Ho-Jun's turn. He's hilarious. Here are some good Ho-Jun pictures:

mohawk on the mountain
eating the Conquistador at El Patio (great Honduran restaurant)
taking a break after the hike
I have no idea

Ho-Jun's from Korea, and today is actually his one-year anniversary of when he arrived in the United States. He's been going to grad school in architecture at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaigne. That's how he heard about eMi. 4 of the interns here this summer heard about eMi from the Urbana conference, pretty crazy. Ho-Jun is an Autocad master. I always go to him to ask him random autocad questions or ask him to do things for me, and even though he always tells me no, he always ends up helping me :). He's also a really really hard worker. He has got a lot of work done this summer for Glen and has been a great blessing to this ministry. He and Adam went on the same trip to Honduras as me.

To me, Ho-Jun embodies courage. I cannot imagine what it would be like to just go to a different country and jump into things like he has. He said today as he shared at devotions that his experience of Colorado Springs is the first time that he's been in american society. In Illinois, he always hung out with his korean friends, but here he doesn't really have korean friends to hang out with. Whenever we go do something, it seems like his first time doing it, and he's always up for it. He never talks about being afraid, but trusts God as he steps into every new situation. One thing about Ho-Jun that has been a great blessing to me has been his willingness to dance. This boy (It's kinda a joke to call him a boy because he's 27 years old) is a really quick learner. I taught him to Lindy this summer, and he's pretty darn good. I was afraid when I came here because none of the interns danced, but Ho-Jun has been a great sport, and he Lindies in the park with me on tuesdays :). I've also taught him some hip-hop. It's been so fun Ho-Jun! He always acts like a little kid too, always a trouble maker, like when we were putting the puzzle together, he would steal pieces and break things apart while everyone else was working on it. It's hard to believe he's older than everyone else, he acts like he's the youngest ;).

Another thing is that he hates speaking in front of people, I think mostly because he's not very confident in his ability to speak english, but let me tell you, every time he gets up to speak in front of people, he says something that is profound and it touches your heart. In Honduras, we went to church and we all had to get up and say something. Jason told us that the night before, and Ho-Jun right away said "I'm not gonna do it". When we drove up to the church he pretended to hide in the van. When he got up there though, he spoke about his experience of coming to honduras, and not only did no one there speak korean, no one there spoke english. He looked through all the pictures of his family in korea, and felt really lonely when we got there. He then spoke of his understanding of God in that; that he knew he had a friend that understood everything, that could understand loneliness better than anyone. I felt really touched by that. He has a great understanding of God because of his willingness to be wherever God leads him.

Oh, the nickname. His nickname is actually his american name. When we were in Honduras, he asked everyone there to try to give him an american name. He is so particular. I must have listed off a hundred names before he sort of settled on Tony. He still cracks up whenever anyone calls him that, so I think he's not quite satisfied with it.

Ho-Jun shared today about how this summer has been a gift to him from God, and now he can say he has american friends. You do Ho-Jun, and you better keep in touch!!!

hope

2004-08-04T09:49:00.000-07:00

I feel like the last couple days has been full of reflecting for me. I'm thinking about the future and what it holds. I'm think about trying to find a job, what it will be like going back to california. I think about Brian and his making a decision this week whether or not to stay in Uganda for a couple more months. Things feel uncertain and unsettled, and I feel like I'm bombarded by thoughts and memories. I am struggling to hold on to and dwell on the memories of God's redemption instead of those of failure and sadness. I brought "The Healing Path" with me to work today so I can quote a part that really spoke to me about hope. Remember what I wrote yesterday about hope being the memory of the future. This kinda goes off of that.

"To remember the future is to see tomorrow through the eyes of yesterday. What was yesterday? The loss of a job, victimization, bottomless grief, pointless sacrifice that brought little good? Was it deep struggle, an intense drama and terror that eventually brought us to our knees and to the face of God? Everything hinges on the past. We will project the past into every new moment and either repeat our past themes of victimization or marvel at the work of God in redeeming us in spite of our questions and doubt. What divides the two paths--the healing path from the path of victimization? The answer is simple: desire . . . To remember the future is to dream--to imagine redemption won in the wake of innocence lost. It is to surrender to our insatiable impulse to see the broken pieces of our past cemented together into a stronger whole that existed before our innocence was shattered. To remember the future is to recall and recollect the Exodus drama that took us to the edge of despair only for the waters to part. We move into the future not with a map, a plan, or a clear structure, but with the whisper of a story that reminds us that we will again see the goodness of God in the land of the living."

God has been calling me to hope all this summer, and restoring my dreams and the things to hope in. Yesterday was probably when I was most confused. A bunch of us decided to go to the World Prayer Center to pray and worship. It was an interesting time. I am a little confused about what I think about the World Prayer Center in general. It seems like it epitomizes contemporary Christianity to me, it seemed really showy and weird. To tell you the truth, I really didn't like the place. It was good to get some time to pray and read the word though. I really didn't pray about all the stuff that I was confused about, but I surrendered everything and tried to seek God with everything I had. God led me to read the book of Lamentations. That was really awesome because like what "The Healing Path" was saying, it was reminding me of where I was and where God has taken me. I felt that I really related to Jerusalem in her sin and fall:

"In the days of her affliction and wandering
Jerusalem remembers all the treasures
that were hers in days of old.
When her people fell into enemy hands,
there was no one to help her.
Her enemies looked at her
and laughed at her destruction.

Jerusalem has sinned greatly
and so has become unclean.
All who honored her despise her,
for they have seen her nakedness;
she herself groans
and turns away.

Her filthiness clung to her skirts;
she did not consider her future.
Her fall was astounding;
there was none to comfort her.
"Look, O LORD, on my affliction,
for the enemy has triumphed."
. . .

What can I say for you?
With what can I compare you,
O Daughter of Jerusalem?
To what can I liken you,
that I may comfort you,
O Virgin Daughter of Zion?
Your wound is as deep as the sea.
Who can heal you?"

The author of Lamentations also calls us to hope:

" I remember my affliction and my wandering,
the bitterness and the gall.
I well remember them,
and my soul is downcast within me.

Yet this I call to mind
and therefore I have HOPE:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.

I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose HOPE is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD."

There were some other things that happened last night that are a little confusing, but I'm trusting that God has things under control. It was a good time in prayer and reflection, and the time I spent there went by really quickly. Anyway, that's all the somber stuff I guess. I'm still feeling conflicted and unsettled, but I think I'm just supposed to sit in the tension for now :). That reminds me of Jonny. I would appreciate prayer for peace and joy and the ability to hope.

relaxing

2004-08-03T09:32:00.000-07:00

We took a break last night from going out, and it was nice. Yesterday was a little stressful at work, and maybe because of the stress, I started feeling kinda sad or something. I was writing my update email yesterday and I remember writing about God showing me that there's always a place and a purpose for me. But yesterday as I was writing it, I didn't really feel like it was true. I was realizing as I was talking to Joshdan on the phone that it happens to me quite often. I see something that God is doing in my life and I want to tell people about it. As soon as I have opportunity to tell people about it, something happens to make me doubt that it's true in the first place. It was cool realizing that yesterday because now I feel like it's God asking me, "Are you sure that you trust me, are you sure that you saw me provide for you?" So last night instead of going out, I got to read some and talk to people on the phone. I talked to Joshdan, Brian's parents, and my parents. It's cool to be able to keep in touch with people.

I've been reading a book called "The Healing Path" as part of my mentoring time. Me and Danna read a couple chapters a week and talk about it during our mentoring time. It's been really good to read because it helps me to reflect on the healing work God is doing in me this summer. The chapter I was reading last night was about hope. I thought it was very appropriate. The author defines hope as the memory of the future. I've never really heard it described that way before. It's like looking to your future through remembering the goodness of God from the past. There are cool quotes I want to write in and I'll do that when I remember to bring the book to work with me :). I am thinking I want to go to the World Prayer Center tonight to pray and listen to God. It would be really awesome to go with all the interns.

lots of sand

2004-08-02T12:30:00.000-07:00

The sand dunes were great! So the sand dunes are a national monument. I don't really understand that. They are the biggest sand dunes in North America if I'm not mistaken, and they're about 1000 ft. tall. They look really weird because they're really out of place. There's not supposed to be that much sand right in the middle of the mountains. It was incredibly beautiful though. I felt a little jipped because it was like having sand without the ocean, but climbing them was really rewarding. We also camped overnight in the forest around the dunes. Here's a picture of me and Adam cooking stew. The stew was quality! To get to our campsite, we had to off-road for about 20 minutes. It was exactly like going on a roller coaster, especially with Peter driving, except on roller coasters, they restrain you enough that you don't hit your head as often. This is a picture of Jenni and Ho-Jun on the drive to the sand dunes. I think we were on paved road by then. I just had to put the picture in because it's great. Oh, Peter is the guy that Adam's been living with. He was an intern at eMi 6 years ago, and he's awesome. He hangs out with us quite a bit and I would call him an honorary intern. We hang out at his house at least once a week cuz he's so awesome. Those weird glasses that Jenni is wearing are Peter's safety goggles. I have to say they are the coolest looking safety goggles I have ever seen. I have a picture of every intern wearing them :). Anyway, back to the sand dunes . . . Here's a picture of us starting out, I think it's us but I'm not really sure. Matthew took the picture. Here's a picture of me and Jenni at the beginning of the hike. Then the hike . . . it was really intense. We decided to go straight up instead of trying to find a ridge to walk on so we hiked up dunes and ran down them on the other side and had to hike up another one after that. Matthew said that we took the foolish man's way. Maybe he was right, but I felt really extreme doing it :). Here's us hiking up a dune. More climbing. Here's a picture Matthew took of me from behind. He said that it looked like it would make a good inspirational poster for perseverence or something. Look at that sunset. We hiked it just as the sun was setting, so it was sooooooooo beautiful. I'm thinking I want to move to Colorado every summer. Yeah, I think I should live in Hawaii every winter, and Colorado every summer :). I don't have any pictures from the top because I can only post 10 pictures a day, and the lighting was really bad when we got to the top so the pictures didn't come out that great. Too bad :(.

All in all, it was a great trip. I'm getting used to camping, sleeping on the ground, feeling sticky and gross. I'm not quite used to having to find a good spot to pee. I think I'm getting a lot more rugged though. I've come a long way.

Anyway, I should get back to work. Got lots and lots to do today. It's crazy that I have less than 3 weeks left here. I need to get stuff done for my project before then because I don't know if they'll get another intern to do the work after I leave. There will only be 3 interns here for the fall. My poor project leader, Jason, seems to be getting a little anxious. You can pray that our head architect, Tim, who right now is moving because he just quit his job and is going to start attending seminary in the fall will get back to us soon so that we can start the structural design. It's crazy, it seems that everyone that went on the trip with us is moving or making some crazy change in their lives. We need lots of prayer.

Alright, I'll probably post more pictures tomorrow. Take it easy.

going to the sand dunes

2004-07-30T13:43:00.000-07:00

I guess we're going to go camping at the sand dunes this weekend. Here's a link to a website about it:
http://www.nps.gov/grsa/
I keep forgetting that we're going camping this weekend because there always seems to be stuff going on. We're all really tired today. I hope that we get a good night's sleep tonight. Anyway, I'll hopefully get stuff written about the trip next week. I have a lot of work to get done here too before I leave. I can't believe I'll only be here another 3 weeks. Anyway, gotta go back to work. Hope you all are doing well.

Ivan a.k.a. "The Polar Bear"

2004-07-30T07:35:00.000-07:00

So Ivan's leaving tomorrow morning. Boo! I guess I wanted to take this opportunity to write about him. I want to write about each of the interns, and I will eventually get to everyone when I get the time. Anyway, the first thing to say about Ivan is that he takes great pictures, actually great pictures are taken of him. Here's Ivan and his cousin's bird. Here's Ivan playing mini-golf. Here's Ivan doing something (I don't know what he's doing). There's also some normal pictures of Ivan. Here's Ivan painting. Another thing about Ivan is that he can survive sub-zero temperatures (okay, that's an exaggeration, but he likes to jump into really cold water). Maybe it's because he's from Michigan, it's got to get pretty cold up there. That's partly why we call him the polar bear, it's also because he works in "the cave" in the office. He's the only one up in that corner. He also just reminds us of a bear :). It might be the being partly soft and sweet, and partly wild :).

Alrighty, so, Ivan lives on a farm (hog farm i think), and goes deer hunting in the forest in his backyard. Every year they have a harvest party where 600 people go to his farm and party all night. Some of the interns are trying to see if we can make it to his harvest party this year. I really want to square dance! He also goes to a Christian college where he gets a bible minor with his engineering major. I'm so jealous.

Ivan's a really really awesome guy. He's firm in his faith, and seems to have a really cool understanding of God. I see so much of God in him. One thing I have noticed is that he will always listen to what you're saying like it's important. He doesn't think himself more important than anyone else, and it's noticeable in the way he lives his life. He makes you feel special when you interact with him. He's also really really funny. He has great expressions and I wish I could have video-taped them. Ivan, it's so cu-- . . . I mean you make me smile :). He quotes Brian Regan at very appropriate times and loves to laugh. When you first meet him, you get this impression that he's a really quiet, simple, shy guy, but when you get to know him, you find out that he has a pretty wild streak. He's told us stories of things he's done that we could not believe. Me and Jenni said that we would hate to be Ivan's mother because we'd be worrying all the time :). It's funny, we were having a conversation about "Wild at Heart" and Ivan's the type of guy that I would expect to really relate with that book, growing up in the wild, but he didn't really like it. He thought that God puts people in different places and there's nothing wrong with being nice, if that's who you are. Ivan's also such a family man. He's been staying with his aunt and uncle and cousins while he's been here in Colorado Springs and in the beginning of the summer, he'd always go home before 9 so that he could say goodnight to his cousins before they went to bed. He spends as much time with them as he can. We were lucky in the last couple weeks because they went on a vacation, so we got to spend more time with Ivan :).

I don't know what else to say . . . Ivan just makes you happy, just his being around makes you feel better. I know that God will do amazing things through him. We're gonna miss you Ivan.

Intern pictures

2004-07-29T12:32:00.000-07:00

It is a tradition here each semester for Donna to take pictures of all the interns. Yesterday was also intern picture day. We decided it would be fun for all the girls to wear bright t-shirts and jeans while the guys wore dress shirts and ties. This was awesome because I finally have pictures of all the interns. It's kinda tough to take pictures with 9 people, but lots of fun. Anyway, here are some pictures:

At my host family's backyard (not on intern picture day, but we're all there)
(Just to let you know: (from left) Ivan, me, Dave, Jenni, Will, Lisa, HoJun, Adam, Matthew)
On the office stairs
Doing a Can-Can line
With the mountains in the background (it would be a good picture if there weren't a lamp coming out of Ivan's head)
Slide
Random

fun times

2004-07-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

Things have been so busy lately. I keep feeling like one of these days I need to get some sleep. Yesterday was open house for eMi, and a lot of people came. It was really fun getting to meet and talk to people, but getting ready for it was pretty tiring and by the end of the night, everyone seemed really tired. I struggled a lot with criticalness when we were preparing. It seemed to me that everyone was either too uptight and stressed, or too easygoing that it was disrupting things getting done. I tend to get stressed very easily when other people get stressed. Praise God that He gives me everything I need to get through. I am realizing more and more how incapable I am of anything good, and am constantly convicted of my pride and judgemental attitude. God gave me really awesome interactions with people at the open house though and they were such a blessing.

After the open house, we wanted to do something because Ivan's leaving this saturday. He was supposed to decide what we were gonna do, but I think it was too much pressure for him. We ended up going to the Broadmoor. It's this 5-star hotel with a cool tavern that has live music. It was beautiful! The bathrooms had real towels, not disposable ones, and they reminded me of the Neiman Marcus bathrooms at Ala Moana (I'd walk in the store just to go to the bathroom). The tavern was a great place too. The band was amazing. They played lots of popular songs and we danced and danced and danced (swing, waltz, polka, cha-cha). It kind of reminded me of the MOB but with live music and set in a restaurant. It was a lot of fun. One of the band members came up to our table afterward and complimented us on our dancing :). We got to walk around the hotel after we went to the tavern. Man, it's such a pretty place. It costs like $400 a night to stay there I hear. We got home after 12. I still had to do my reading for mentoring today. I was really tired this morning but I'm feeling a lot better now.

It's beautiful outside today and Adam got the Caedmon's Call "Chronicles" CD, which I'm listening to now. It's such a great CD. Listening to it is making me happy. I'm sitting at my desk and dancing as I do my work on Autocad. I want to buy it. Maybe I will if it gets cheaper on half.com.

Tonight we're supposed to go to the karaoke coffee shop (it's called Jimbo's Bikes and Coffee I think). We were supposed to last week thursday too, but it seemed like we were too lazy and ended up hanging out at Ivan's uncle's house instead. I think it will be a lot of fun. All the things that we do tend to be a lot of fun :). Praise God for this summer, and for the interns.

We're all getting sad that Ivan's leaving. Things won't be the same with him gone. We said that we were gonna try not to talk about it until he actually goes, but it keeps coming up. Ivan's a great guy. We're gonna miss him a lot.