EIT is passed!!!!!

It has been so long that I almost forgot I took the test. With it being 8 hours long, that's a hard thing to forget. But I passed! Yay!

no moving this weekend

probably next. who knows?

yay!

So after being annoyed at the dent in my car, I called up some places to see how much it would cost to fix. I think it would have been from $200-300. One guy I talked to was really helpful though cuz he said that maybe I could push it out from the inside cuz the rubber seal on car doors usually come off and you can pull up the upholstery on the inside and get to the metal. I dragged Liz outside with me and was determined to fix Cleo, my poor baby. So after trying a bunch of stuff, I found this little panel thing on the inside and it came out and I stuck my hand in and pushed out the side. It's still kinda broken cuz if you push on it again from the outside, it will dent again, but it makes me feel somewhat better that I can fix it, and that I wasn't afraid to try taking things apart.

In other news, if you haven't kept up with Liz's blog, word on the street (our street that is and probably only including me, Liz, the landlady, and the construction guys) is that we're moving this weekend. That should be fun. If anyone wants to help out, let me know :). We are planning on feeding all who are helping!

sigh

All I have to say that you do not want to build anything in the City of Irvine. No matter how badly you might want to, you should move the project to another city. Actually though, if you really want to, I know the building inspectors there very personally. Also, does anyone know how to push/pull out dents in a car?

i figured it out!

The funk/anxiety is coming from pressure to be in a different place in my life than I am right now. I am feeling like where I am in life right now is definitely a place of transition, not life. The longer I'm in it, the longer I'm in a place I'm not supposed to be. So I'm stressed about everything, feeling like I'm constantly not doing enough, and I keep feeling like I'm not even living. On top of that, doing things to get out of this place is getting more and more difficult. However, I AM trying. There are many reasons for this but I think I am especially feeling it from my mom, which is why I have developed a subconscious defense mechanism to avoid talking to her at the moment. I don't mean to, but I'm stressed and I know that talking to her will only make me more stressed. Mom, if you are reading this, don't stress me out. I'm trying.

This way of thinking has sadly penetrated all aspects of my life though. So I have been stressed out about friends, living situations, money, and Brian among other things. Sorry for that everyone. Pray for me. Now that I know why I'm freaking out, it's a lot easier to deal with, and I am starting to realize that things are actually alright.

it's official!

My car is named! :) I guess it's not that big of a deal except that it took me forever to name it. So you wanna know what it is? Huh, do you? :). Her name is Cleo. I would go through my whole explanation on why this name fits, but I don't think it's that important to anyone else and I already explained it all to Brian (I'm pretty sure it wasn't that important to him either). You can ask if you want to know. In other news, I'm feeling a little in a funk again. I don't like how things can change so quickly for me. I wish that I could just be stable for a little while. But it does mean that this funk will soon be over. Usually by the time I realize I'm in one, I'm on the the way out of it :).

There seems to be so much going on for people around me. Maybe that's getting me overwhelmed cuz I can't keep that many things in my head at the same time, like I'm supposed to be concerned for what's going on in the lives of all my friends at the same time and I can't really do that. But then I don't feel like I'm doing enough when I can't be concerned for everything at the same time. Maybe I should stop trying to talk to so many people, but I love talking to them, and I love finding out what's going on for them, but then I don't know what to do with it after that and I keep thinking I'm supposed to do more with it. I really should pray more too, but I get overwhelmed when I pray cuz there's so much to pray for and when I just pray for one thing, I feel bad cuz I'm thinking it's more important than all the others when it's just because I just happen to be thinking about that particular thing at the moment. Okay, I realize that things are not that complicated. I'm just feeling bad about things I shouldn't be feeling bad about and I should just pray as much as I can and know that God sees all the things I am concerned about. I am also thinking that the way that I think about stuff when I am concerned for others is kinda like praying. I could be wrong here, but I feel like the part of me that cares about others has to do with the heart that God gave me to love, and when I'm doing that (whether it's talking to them or thinking about them), I'm doing what God wants me to do, He sees my concern and He, since He loves them even more than I do, will do even more. Okay, I feel better now. This makes sense to me. What do you think? Also, all my friends out there, know that I love you a lot (so much so that I seem to always worry I'm not doing enough), and know that God loves you so much more.

I also have some things to write about a book that I read recently that made me feel kinda strange. I don't want to yet though cuz Brian won't let me tell him anything until he at least glances through it. If anyone else wants to glance through it, it's The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon. Take it easy folks.

launchcast

It has been a while since I listened to Launchcast. I did again today because I forgot my CD's in the car and while I was looking at my new computer, I found that it has a convenient headphone output thing in the front. Listening reminded me of times last year sitting in Brian's room listening to the happy station or laughing at Greg for rating all the country songs so high on Brian's station. Funny how music reminds you of so much. Anyway, it was good to have classic Matchbox Twenty, Goo Goo Dolls, Collective Soul, Sister Hazel, Plumb and Hootie playing while I worked today. Work is actually going really well right now. It's fun doing everything I've been doing, and I actually feel like I'm helpful.

I think this time in my life is full of learning new things (while working and just in general). I keep feeling like I am getting so much out of life. I love it!

wow, long time no post

Hey guys. I'm sorry about the long break in posting. Being home was amazing, but there are some disadvantages too, like the irritating dial-up connection. Hawaii was beautiful although it rained some of the time I was home and only got to go to the beach once. Everything was so familiar and comfortable. I kinda fell into a funk yesterday because I realized what a huge change I'm having to make now. I'm feeling kinda homesick and I miss Sharon a lot (not that I feel like I'm not going to like living with Liz, it's just the feeling of having to start over again). After that little funk though, I seem to be doing better, realizing that with God I can get through anything. And when I think about all those people that have been left homeless by the tsunami, I realize that I'm complaining for nothing, and at the same time it helps me to have more compassion on them because I can "sort of" relate to the sense of homelessness.

I guess there's not much else to add. Hopefully I get to see River tomorrow. Oh, and I don't know how often I'll be posting now. I will pretty much only have internet at work, so I don't want to use it to post. We'll see what happens.

because Greggy posted

Greg posted what the weather is going to be like where he's spending the next week or so. I just thought I'd post what the weather is going to be like where I'm spending the next 2 weeks:

http://www.weather.com/activities/driving/interstate/weather/tenday.html?locid=96782

Yay! :)

cool

http://www.worldonfire.ca/

I really liked the song before, I like it even more now.

Christmas is coming

Being in California during this season is a little strange to me. When I was in Claremont, it was different because I was always so busy that nothing around seemed to matter. Now that I have more time to notice things, it seems that Christmas in California lacks something. I find it funny that people can call this area home (I was telling this to someone at work today who replied, "I find it funny that you call Hawaii home"). That totally makes sense. But California seems like this place where people are just kinda hanging out. Maybe I think that because I'm just hanging out, but I don't know if I could ever make my home here.

So I've been feeling a little disillusioned about Christmas this year anyway. The whole idea of being pressured to buy people things that they want, and not being able to figure it out so you just get them something meaningless seems, hmm, meaningless. And I don't know the area so I don't know the stores, where to go for anything. At home you can go to Pearlridge and know what you're going to find there. I feel like I use Yahoo! yellowpages like a madwoman and it's getting a little tiring. And everything's so amazingly crowded and crazy.

Not being surrounded by Christian community makes it hard too. I miss things like Thanksgiving praise and Christmas fellowship meetings. At the same time, through this experience, I feel like I can relate with Jesus in his entrance into a world that didn't understand him, that scorned him. Not that I'm being scorned in any way, just feeling a little homeless/homesick. Jesus really left his home and "pitched his tent" with us. So that we could have a high priest who is familiar with our pains and our trials (I AM actually learning something from Hebrews). Anyway, more to come later. Been busy lately.

wow

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6629425/

This feels really weird to me. I didn't know him personally, maybe seen him around in school. The thing that really gets to me is that he's so young. He graduated 2 years after me! This page has a little more detail about his military service:

http://starbulletin.com/breaking/breaking.php?id=3095

So Trudy tells me about this last night, and she's saying that Ron's just waiting to get out of the Army Reserves. One of his good friends in the Reserves (in his same discipline) was told that he was going to get shipped there, so he joined active service and chose to go to Germany. Brad will be there in the beginning of next year. My co-worker's husband is another Camp Pendleton marine who will be there till april. This sucks. I don't know what else to say. My prayers go out to all of the soldiers in Iraq and all their family and friends waiting for them at home.

the good stuff

You know what I love? When see glimpses into people's lives that tell you who they really are; those little nuggets of authenticity that you don't get most of the time that you interact with people. I've been observing people a lot lately. I feel like I'm constantly thinking about them, about why they do the things that they do, what truly makes them happy, what makes them sad. I love it when I can see that, something deeper than what I'd seen before. I've been realizing that some people try protect these things. They don't want to let you see who they really are. Because if they do, somehow they're left open and vulnerable to you. I think in the midst of that vulnerability, there can be a connection made, a bond of trust. It's sad to see how many people keep who they really are from others. I just want to be real, and to see what's real in others. I want to be their friend and for them to be mine. I will trust you with who I am. Sincere love, authenticity, not holding back -- that's what it's all about.

Read 2 Corinthians 6:4-13:

"4 Rather, as servants of God we commend ourselves in every way: in great endurance; in troubles, hardships and distresses; 5 in beatings, imprisonments and riots; in hard work, sleepless nights and hunger; 6 in purity, understanding, patience and kindness; in the Holy Spirit and in sincere love; 7 in truthful speech and in the power of God; with weapons of righteousness in the right hand and in the left; 8 through glory and dishonor, bad report and good report; genuine, yet regarded as impostors; 9 known, yet regarded as unknown; dying, and yet we live on; beaten, and yet not killed; 10 sorrowful, yet always rejoicing; poor, yet making many rich; having nothing, and yet possessing everything.

2CO 6:11 We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you. 12 We are not withholding our affection from you, but you are withholding yours from us. 13 As a fair exchange--I speak as to my children--open wide your hearts also."

It's really cool when you find people that are real. That's partly why I love talking to the elderly. They're amazingly honest. It's refreshing. They'll tell you their favorite memories, their saddest moments, their deepest desires without hesitation even though you've just met them 5 minutes before. I talked with a wonderful woman named Margaret last friday. She is 83 years old. Her husband died in 1973 from cancer. She's been a widow for over 30 years. She misses him a lot, she says, especially around Christmas time because he loved Christmas. She said he was Italian, the most laid-back guy you'd ever meet. He was healthy, took good care of himself, a prized boxer in Pennsylvania where they were from. He won the diamond belt and golden gloves (I didn't really know what those are but I assume they're pretty prestigious among the boxing community). She then mentions that he had the diamond taken out of the belt and put in her engagement ring as she shows me the ring. She said that he died too young, but she's glad for the years that she had with him. Cancer is a terrible disease. He started complaining about a stitch in his side one day, he was gone 3 months later.

I could tell you much more about Margaret if you wanted to hear it, or Vi, another woman I met that day. I don't think there is any way that I can forget the memories that they shared with me. Praise God for the bonds He created, for the blessing of being able to spend one afternoon with two wonderful ladies. There's much more to say, but I'm ending it here. This has taken me a little too long to write and I really need to finish my honeywell application. Take it easy folks.

negativity

Please pray for me. I feel like things in my life have been really good as of late. There is nothing for me to really complain about, yet I feel like crap. I am praying more than usual and trying to be disciplined in the way I use my time, and succeeding, but still feel really bad and it's affecting the way I'm interacting with people. I really think it's a spiritual thing. I realize that I've been fighting a lot for other people spiritually, but I haven't been so great at fighting for myself. So anyway, I'm sorry I've been really crabby and out of it. I appreciate the prayers. I will be out of this funk in no time.

new pictures

I also posted a couple new pictures from last weekend. I'm sorry they're so disorganized. I want to organize them more but Brian's thing won't let me make any new albums (so it's his fault). :) Anyway, go see my new pictures!

i don't have a title for this one

Jon reminded me today of my loyal fans who I seem to be depriving of information by not blogging. Sorry to disappoint :). There has just been so much to say that it gets exceedingly harder to express as days go by.

This last weekend Brian visited, I interviewed with Honeywell, went to the cancer center Christmas party/fundraising event, visited a church that I actually liked, listened to some servant partners teaching from Kevin Blue on dating, and got to spend time with more people than I've seen in a long time. You would think that from looking at my life, I would already realize that my life can change dramatically in the span of 4 days, but it seems I don't learn as quickly as I should. I feel like I'm in a place where everything is changing. There's not a great deal of stability. I guess the fact that everything is changing doesn't seem to be changing though, so maybe I can find comfort in that :). I look at most of my friends lives (Brian excluded, but even him because he seems to kinda know what he wants to do) and it just looks like their lives are more stable. They have things that they're committed to. They'll have a crazy weekend like me and be back to work on monday. There are good and bad things to that as well I realize. I am just finding it difficult to know where God wants me, or to know that God wants me where I am right now.

I found out that I am moving out of Sharon's place by the end of the month because she'll be moving to Korea. I'm really going to miss her :(. I'm not sure where I'm going to be working then. I'm not sure if I'm going home to Hawaii for Christmas but I'm leaning toward it.

I am currently feeling a little down about job prospects. I kinda regret turning down the job offer that I got (oh, I turned it down by the way) because I felt like I actually wanted to do that work. I am just afraid I'm going to end up sitting in a cubicle staring at a computer screen for 40 hours a week for the next who knows how many years. I do not look forward to doing that. I feel like I turned it down mostly because I didn't want to make a decision. I felt I could put off the decision more by not taking it, then I wouldn't have to start right away, I could still wait to commit. Thinking about the future gives me this sick feeling inside. Maybe that's why I'm stuck in a place where everything is unstable. Who knows? Pray that God leads me to something that I won't hate and that I can know it's where I'm supposed to be.

This weekend was amazing as far as seeing God. That was really good because I totally needed it. I went into it in a kind of funk. I kinda fell into it after thanksgiving because I was really tired after all the hosting and stuff. I was really encouraged by a number of conversations I had this weekend as well as the experience at the church I went to. Brian and I visited a mennonite church on sunday in Inglewood. It was crazy awesome. I'd say like 90% of the congregation was black and there was incredible gospel music throughout the service, good teaching, and a great community. I felt like I could worship God freely and sincerely. It was the most sincere I have felt in worship in a long time. I really liked the fact that it seemed like they did so much with the little that they had. Maybe I'll go there again sometime.

IT seems like God has been speaking to me a lot of words of wisdom this weekend. This might seem kinda weird and out of nowhere, but I keep entertaining these thoughts of speaking and teaching these things to other people, like that's what I'm wanting to do. I don't know what to do with that (maybe I'll be a pastor yet). Again, who knows?

Alright, I still have all these random thoughts in my head, but I don't know exactly how to write them down at the moment. I hope that this satisfies my audience for the time being. Pray for all the peeps out in Claremont working hard on papers and studying for those finals. Peace.

thanksgiving

It was a good thanksgiving. I loved seeing my family and getting to spend time with my grandmas. I haven't seen them in a while. I guess I'm a little tired of people in general though and today's been good just to veg and chill with Sharon. I guess I didn't get as much time as I'd have liked to reflect on the things that I'm thankful for but I'm feeling pretty thankful. God really loves us. We have to know that God really loves us. Oh, and I posted a couple new pictures from the week. Hope you enjoy.

church hunting

I went to a new church this morning. I am amazed that I am actually having motivation to go church hunting. It's a really hard thing though, there are so many things about the church that I saw this morning that pissed me off. I often feel like no matter where I go, I will not be satisfied with any church. I think that's true to some degree, but there has to be a church that I at least don't mind being a part of. A church like that has to exist.

One thing that really bothered me this morning was that the sermon was on "being an appreciated gift". This brings up memories of a sermon that Krislin and I heard a couple months ago in Palos Verdes. Good thing the sermon this morning was not actually about being an appreciated gift at all because it had nothing to do with being appreciated. The title still rubbed me the wrong way. We all want to be appreciated, but we can't make other people appreciate us, and that's not what it should be about anyway. The pastor did call Jesus the ultimate appreciated gift, and Jesus was totally unappreciated. He was hated and spurned even by the people closest to Him. The rest of the sermon was actually okay. He preached out of Romans 12 and made the huge leap that being an appreciated gift meant living a life worthy of the grace we've recieved. So the rest of the sermon was about that. Another thing that was hard was that he was talking about authenticity. Authenticity is something that I've been feeling is lacking in the Christian church. To me, authenticity means that you're real with people, that you let people in on what's actually going on inside of you. He preached that following Romans 12:14-21 makes you an authentic Christian. Read Romans 12:14-21 and tell me, who the hell is actually like that?

"Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position. Do not be conceited.

Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God's wrath, for it is written: "It is mine to avenge; I will repay," says the Lord. On the contrary:

"If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head."

Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good."

If you are like that then I'm sorry for offending you, but I definitely am not. I think we need to strive for it, train to become the people that are actually like that on the inside. But I'm not pretending that that's what it's like to be an authentic Christian. We're gonna fail, so I think being authentic means coming clean with those failures. I think that's what brings people together, not fake politeness and hospitality.

I understand that the Pastor wasn't really teaching anything wrong per se. I just feel like he wasn't covering all his bases. I know I can't expect pastors to always cover their bases, then they'd be talking forever. I mean there's a reason they only preach on a little thing every week. Maybe he'll cover the whole "fakeness of the church" thing in some other sermon. I think I have to actually meet and get to know a pastor well. I tend to have a pretty low level of respect for pastors in general, maybe because I have high expectations of them because they have a large influence in people's lives, and they never live up to my expectations. Wow, this post brought up a lot of stuff for me that was a little unexpected.

I know I'm critical and judgemental, and I'm praying against that all the time, God kinda overcame it this morning in the service. I feel like I was able to take good things from it (I know I didn't really talk about the good things in this post). I guess that makes me even more confused. I can't tell if I liked the church today or hated it. I am sure that I don't want to belong there though, and I guess that's enough for me. I have to say though that it made me think and reflect on what it means to be a Christian and seek God because of how I disagreed with things. That's definitely something I should do more often. Anyway, I guess we'll try the church hunting again next week.

Sorry for all this ranting, although it is my blog and I can post whatever I want and you can choose to read it or not :). Thanks for reading it though if you still are, I am really thankful that there are people that care to read about my life. I love you guys.

why bother?

So yesterday I spend an hour and a half washing my car. Today it's covered with a layer of grossness again. You gotta love Southern california air. Makes me afraid to breathe sometimes. Anyway, it was clean, and you gotta give me some credit for trying to take care of it. My car still doesn't have a name. It seems I'm terrible about that. I've been calling it "baby" like all the other inanimate objects I talk to. So anyway, I'm still taking suggestions.

Let's see, what else is new? I get to see my family this weekend. It's been a while since I've seen my dad and both grandmas (my mom came to visit me twice in the last 6 months). I'm pretty excited about that. Not too much else going on I guess. I am vowing to stop blogging about job stuff until I decide because I realize that all I do is complain about it.

Oh! I have been praying more lately. That was another good thing about visiting Brian, I got to pray with him and since then we're kinda keeping each other accountable to pray for certain things. Thanks babe! I need to be better about it anyway I'm realizing. I feel like I've forgotten how powerful prayer is in changing our hearts when they need to be changed and in seeing God move in crazy ways. :)

better

feeling lots better since yesterday . . . seems like there's some serious spiritual warfare stuff going on down here. Thanks for all the prayers! Still need to decide about the job situation. Sigh, seems like that will never be over. I guess not much else to note. Happy belated birthday to Phil, Greg, Sharon, and Ethan!