i can laugh

someone has again reminded me that I haven't been posting. I don't know how many people read this anyway. I keep feeling like I don't have much important to post. I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, and it's stuff that is really significant to me, but I don't know if it's all that significant to anyone else. I've been mostly encouraged. Getting a lot better about trusting that God is really good. Things in my life that have seemed so scary before aren't seeming so scary. I read proverbs 31 the other day and a verse really stuck out to me: "she can laugh at the days to come". I've been praying a lot about that lately, that's how I want to be. I don't want to worry about the days to come, but be able to laugh at them. No matter what happens, I know that I'm taken care of and I can approach my future with hope and joy.

mourning

Lately it seems like life is a constant state of mourning. You stop mourning one thing to find that you're mourning for someone or something else. I might sound a little strange saying this but I kinda like it. I like feeling my heart break for the brokenness of the world, for the loss of beautiful things. In the vast sea of my countless messed up responses, this feels like a light in the darkness. I'm doing something right. I feel God's heart in my mourning. I feel closer to Him because I'm doing what He's doing. And then I feel hopeful. And it makes me smile.

hilo rain

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=4684708&blogID=16066179&Mytoken=20050226213819

"sometimes the lessons we learn,
they don't need words to teach.
and some mistakes we have made,
we're bound to repeat.

it rained all day today.
i saw you in my dreams.
but my heart still sees you
a thousand miles across the sea.

chorus:
let the rain fall down
just like old Hilo town
i swear, when the rain falls down,
it feels like old Hilo town.

These city lights, they shine too bright
I cant see the stars that lie behind
I miss them sometimes
I miss you sometimes."

crazy

So I got a job offer and I accepted it. I guess this is what I've been waiting 8 months for. Finding a job so my life can be settled somehow. But now it seems like things are crazier than ever. I feel tired and stressed and no matter how much I sleep, I just feel like my body wants to shut down. I feel like I'm going insane. Let me tell you, stress and anxiety are horrible things. My body currently hates me because of it, and that just makes me worry more: should I do something about this, should I see someone about it? I feel like I don't know anything and it's freaking me out. I'm starting to question the stability of everything in my life (not that anything should be very stable except for God). I dunno, it doesn't make sense and I'm going insane. I just don't want to have to worry about anything anymore. I feel bad feeling like this, kinda defeatist or something, but it's how I feel so I decided to write it. I guess pray for me. I don't know how else you can help.

personality?

"INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately."

"Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them."

Lord have mercy

I keep wanting to say that I don't understand, but I do, only too well. What I don't understand is why some people succeed and others fail. Lord have mercy.

conviction

I don't really know what to write. It might be because I'm at work listening to a presentation on diet and cancer (so unable to give enough concentration to reflection) or the fact that my pride makes me reluctant to write about ways I've been wrong. Even though I don't seem to really be able to express anything right now, I do really want to acknowledge that God's been speaking to me, showing me that I need to change. I would like to be able to talk about this more in detail, and maybe I will later, but for now thank God for His grace: the ability to see my failings, hope that it won't always be that way, and enough motivation to know that it is more than worth it to change.

reflections on life

It seems that a lot of people are writing really reflective posts lately. It's funny, maybe everyone gets reflective at the same time, or maybe everyone seems like they're at some transition point in their lives. Either way, I've been reflective too. Seems that I might be moving more than once in the next couple weeks, things might change very drastically for me. I don't know if that is affecting my reflective mood. I keep wondering what I'm doing and why I'm where I'm at. I don't ever feel very safe. I never really want to be wherever I am, and don't know how to change that. I was praying this morning about knowing that wherever I am, God is there with me, that my "home" follows me wherever I go, and that where I am, I'm supposed to be there. But I can't escape this feeling of something being wrong all the time. I might just have to ignore it and move on. Usually when I don't ignore it, it does more harm than good. I might have an anxiety disorder. Hooray.

EIT is passed!!!!!

It has been so long that I almost forgot I took the test. With it being 8 hours long, that's a hard thing to forget. But I passed! Yay!

no moving this weekend

probably next. who knows?

yay!

So after being annoyed at the dent in my car, I called up some places to see how much it would cost to fix. I think it would have been from $200-300. One guy I talked to was really helpful though cuz he said that maybe I could push it out from the inside cuz the rubber seal on car doors usually come off and you can pull up the upholstery on the inside and get to the metal. I dragged Liz outside with me and was determined to fix Cleo, my poor baby. So after trying a bunch of stuff, I found this little panel thing on the inside and it came out and I stuck my hand in and pushed out the side. It's still kinda broken cuz if you push on it again from the outside, it will dent again, but it makes me feel somewhat better that I can fix it, and that I wasn't afraid to try taking things apart.

In other news, if you haven't kept up with Liz's blog, word on the street (our street that is and probably only including me, Liz, the landlady, and the construction guys) is that we're moving this weekend. That should be fun. If anyone wants to help out, let me know :). We are planning on feeding all who are helping!

sigh

All I have to say that you do not want to build anything in the City of Irvine. No matter how badly you might want to, you should move the project to another city. Actually though, if you really want to, I know the building inspectors there very personally. Also, does anyone know how to push/pull out dents in a car?

i figured it out!

The funk/anxiety is coming from pressure to be in a different place in my life than I am right now. I am feeling like where I am in life right now is definitely a place of transition, not life. The longer I'm in it, the longer I'm in a place I'm not supposed to be. So I'm stressed about everything, feeling like I'm constantly not doing enough, and I keep feeling like I'm not even living. On top of that, doing things to get out of this place is getting more and more difficult. However, I AM trying. There are many reasons for this but I think I am especially feeling it from my mom, which is why I have developed a subconscious defense mechanism to avoid talking to her at the moment. I don't mean to, but I'm stressed and I know that talking to her will only make me more stressed. Mom, if you are reading this, don't stress me out. I'm trying.

This way of thinking has sadly penetrated all aspects of my life though. So I have been stressed out about friends, living situations, money, and Brian among other things. Sorry for that everyone. Pray for me. Now that I know why I'm freaking out, it's a lot easier to deal with, and I am starting to realize that things are actually alright.

it's official!

My car is named! :) I guess it's not that big of a deal except that it took me forever to name it. So you wanna know what it is? Huh, do you? :). Her name is Cleo. I would go through my whole explanation on why this name fits, but I don't think it's that important to anyone else and I already explained it all to Brian (I'm pretty sure it wasn't that important to him either). You can ask if you want to know. In other news, I'm feeling a little in a funk again. I don't like how things can change so quickly for me. I wish that I could just be stable for a little while. But it does mean that this funk will soon be over. Usually by the time I realize I'm in one, I'm on the the way out of it :).

There seems to be so much going on for people around me. Maybe that's getting me overwhelmed cuz I can't keep that many things in my head at the same time, like I'm supposed to be concerned for what's going on in the lives of all my friends at the same time and I can't really do that. But then I don't feel like I'm doing enough when I can't be concerned for everything at the same time. Maybe I should stop trying to talk to so many people, but I love talking to them, and I love finding out what's going on for them, but then I don't know what to do with it after that and I keep thinking I'm supposed to do more with it. I really should pray more too, but I get overwhelmed when I pray cuz there's so much to pray for and when I just pray for one thing, I feel bad cuz I'm thinking it's more important than all the others when it's just because I just happen to be thinking about that particular thing at the moment. Okay, I realize that things are not that complicated. I'm just feeling bad about things I shouldn't be feeling bad about and I should just pray as much as I can and know that God sees all the things I am concerned about. I am also thinking that the way that I think about stuff when I am concerned for others is kinda like praying. I could be wrong here, but I feel like the part of me that cares about others has to do with the heart that God gave me to love, and when I'm doing that (whether it's talking to them or thinking about them), I'm doing what God wants me to do, He sees my concern and He, since He loves them even more than I do, will do even more. Okay, I feel better now. This makes sense to me. What do you think? Also, all my friends out there, know that I love you a lot (so much so that I seem to always worry I'm not doing enough), and know that God loves you so much more.

I also have some things to write about a book that I read recently that made me feel kinda strange. I don't want to yet though cuz Brian won't let me tell him anything until he at least glances through it. If anyone else wants to glance through it, it's The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time by Mark Haddon. Take it easy folks.

launchcast

It has been a while since I listened to Launchcast. I did again today because I forgot my CD's in the car and while I was looking at my new computer, I found that it has a convenient headphone output thing in the front. Listening reminded me of times last year sitting in Brian's room listening to the happy station or laughing at Greg for rating all the country songs so high on Brian's station. Funny how music reminds you of so much. Anyway, it was good to have classic Matchbox Twenty, Goo Goo Dolls, Collective Soul, Sister Hazel, Plumb and Hootie playing while I worked today. Work is actually going really well right now. It's fun doing everything I've been doing, and I actually feel like I'm helpful.

I think this time in my life is full of learning new things (while working and just in general). I keep feeling like I am getting so much out of life. I love it!

wow, long time no post

Hey guys. I'm sorry about the long break in posting. Being home was amazing, but there are some disadvantages too, like the irritating dial-up connection. Hawaii was beautiful although it rained some of the time I was home and only got to go to the beach once. Everything was so familiar and comfortable. I kinda fell into a funk yesterday because I realized what a huge change I'm having to make now. I'm feeling kinda homesick and I miss Sharon a lot (not that I feel like I'm not going to like living with Liz, it's just the feeling of having to start over again). After that little funk though, I seem to be doing better, realizing that with God I can get through anything. And when I think about all those people that have been left homeless by the tsunami, I realize that I'm complaining for nothing, and at the same time it helps me to have more compassion on them because I can "sort of" relate to the sense of homelessness.

I guess there's not much else to add. Hopefully I get to see River tomorrow. Oh, and I don't know how often I'll be posting now. I will pretty much only have internet at work, so I don't want to use it to post. We'll see what happens.

because Greggy posted

Greg posted what the weather is going to be like where he's spending the next week or so. I just thought I'd post what the weather is going to be like where I'm spending the next 2 weeks:

http://www.weather.com/activities/driving/interstate/weather/tenday.html?locid=96782

Yay! :)

cool

http://www.worldonfire.ca/

I really liked the song before, I like it even more now.

Christmas is coming

Being in California during this season is a little strange to me. When I was in Claremont, it was different because I was always so busy that nothing around seemed to matter. Now that I have more time to notice things, it seems that Christmas in California lacks something. I find it funny that people can call this area home (I was telling this to someone at work today who replied, "I find it funny that you call Hawaii home"). That totally makes sense. But California seems like this place where people are just kinda hanging out. Maybe I think that because I'm just hanging out, but I don't know if I could ever make my home here.

So I've been feeling a little disillusioned about Christmas this year anyway. The whole idea of being pressured to buy people things that they want, and not being able to figure it out so you just get them something meaningless seems, hmm, meaningless. And I don't know the area so I don't know the stores, where to go for anything. At home you can go to Pearlridge and know what you're going to find there. I feel like I use Yahoo! yellowpages like a madwoman and it's getting a little tiring. And everything's so amazingly crowded and crazy.

Not being surrounded by Christian community makes it hard too. I miss things like Thanksgiving praise and Christmas fellowship meetings. At the same time, through this experience, I feel like I can relate with Jesus in his entrance into a world that didn't understand him, that scorned him. Not that I'm being scorned in any way, just feeling a little homeless/homesick. Jesus really left his home and "pitched his tent" with us. So that we could have a high priest who is familiar with our pains and our trials (I AM actually learning something from Hebrews). Anyway, more to come later. Been busy lately.

wow

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/6629425/

This feels really weird to me. I didn't know him personally, maybe seen him around in school. The thing that really gets to me is that he's so young. He graduated 2 years after me! This page has a little more detail about his military service:

http://starbulletin.com/breaking/breaking.php?id=3095

So Trudy tells me about this last night, and she's saying that Ron's just waiting to get out of the Army Reserves. One of his good friends in the Reserves (in his same discipline) was told that he was going to get shipped there, so he joined active service and chose to go to Germany. Brad will be there in the beginning of next year. My co-worker's husband is another Camp Pendleton marine who will be there till april. This sucks. I don't know what else to say. My prayers go out to all of the soldiers in Iraq and all their family and friends waiting for them at home.