:)

"she told him that she believes in living
bigger than she's living now
but her world keeps spinning backwards
and upside-down"

"My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
I am not worried I am not overly concerned
My friend implores me, "For one time only,make an exception."
I am not worried
Wrap her up in a package of lies
Send her off to a coconut island
I am not worried I am not overly concerned with the status of my emotions
"Oh," she says, "you're changing."
But we're always changing
It does not bother me to say this isn't love
Because if you don't want to talk about it then it isn't love
And I guess I'm going to have to live with that
But I'm sure there's something in a shade of grey,
Something in between,
And I can always change my name
If that's what you mean
My friend assures me, "It's all or nothing."
But I am not really worried I am not overly concerned
You try to tell yourself the things you try to tell yourself
To make yourself forget I am not worried
"If it's love," she said, "then we're going to have to think about the consequences."
She can't stop shaking I can't stop touching her and...

This time when kindness falls like rain
It washes her away and Anna begins to change her mind
"These seconds when I'm shaking leave me shuddering for days," she says
And I'm not ready for this sort of thing

But I'm not going to break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore
I'm not going to bend, and I'm not going to break and I'm not going to worry about it anymore
It seems like I should say, "As long as this is love..."
But it's not all that easy so maybe I should
Snap her up in a butterfly net Pin her down on a photograph album
I am not worried I've done this sort of thing before
But then I start to think about the consequences
Because I don't get no sleep in a quiet room and...

The time when kindness falls like rain
It washes me away and Anna begins to change my mind
And everytime she sneezes I believe it's love and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
She's talking in her sleepIt's keeping me awake and Anna begins to toss and turn
And every word is nonsense but I understand and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing
Her kindness bangs a gong
It's moving me along and Anna begins to fade away
It's chasing me away She disappears and
Oh lord, I'm not ready for this sort of thing"

I know that James just posted on his blog shamelessly asking for sponsorships for the upcoming CROP walk. But just in case everyone's not yet broke or people exist that read my site and not James's, I'd appreciate ths sponsorship.

The CROP walk is a 10k this saturday (my mom inspired me not to get "OOS") with 25% of the donations from sponsorships going to local anti-hunger efforts and 75% of proceeds going to hunger and poverty relief overseas. If you want to check out more about CROP, go here. It's a good cause.

If you wanna sponsor me, go here.

If not, no worries, just thought I'd throw it out there.

goodness

There are quite a few great things going on in my life, but it seems bad things are easier to dwell on and write about than good things. So I realize that the subject of so many of my conversations, emails, blog entries are full of rantings that would cause any reasonable person to be concerned. So, I am going to try to commit to not writing about those things. However, I realize to write about good things sounds boring, "I'm feeling the most hopeful I've felt in a long time, I have an amazing boyfriend, my relationship with my sister is the best it's ever been". I mean there's only so much you can hear about that stuff. Do you think that's true? I'm just trying to be honest here. I mean don't get me wrong, I'm really happy to hear that people are doing well, that things are going well, but I don't know if I've really been listening to people when they say things like that. I want to look for warning signs, want to hear the bad. (I think Nouwen wrote about that in the prodigal son book someplace where it talked about joy) I think that's sad, the not really listening part, not the Nouwen. So I'm also committing to really hearing about the good things people are saying. So when you have something good to say, say it, and say it with confidence. Praise God!

waking up

I feel like every night, I have some sort of unsettling dream. I wake up and can't seem to shake that feeling. I brush my teeth and get dressed mechanically and grab my lunch and get out the door as soon as I can. Somehow the day starts and the feeling never completely goes away, then I go back to sleep and to dreaming again. I feel like I kinda live in a dream, and it's not a very good one. The funny thing is that Brian always tells me my life would be so much better off if I could do lucid dreaming and control what my actual dreams are about, but what I do instead is let go any of the control that I have over my life and they turn into the dreams I fear so much. Maybe I have to learn how to control my life better first. I need to not believe that all my fears are real. The thing I'm wondering is do I make up the crap that I'm afraid of, or does it come from someplace else?

anticlimactic

I got internet at my apartment and wanted to blog and announce it to the world. But blogger was down, and so I decided not to post for several days again. Haha.

huh?

I really should start eating breakfast at home. I just feel like I don't have enough time, even to make toast or something. I just want to grab something and leave cuz I always feel like I'm running late (that might have something to do with setting my alarm for about half an hour before I have to be at work). Anyway, because I was really hungry this morning, I bought a little package of those chocolate covered pre-packaged donuts that Brian likes so much from the snack shop(don't ask me why I did this, for some reason I just wanted those). Anyway, I ATE THEM ALL!!! I mean there were only like 5 or 6 of them, and they were little. But now I am regretting my decision. I am sitting here feeling the surge of sugar through me and and the heaviness of eating 80% (no exaggeration) of my daily intake of saturated fat. Ick.

"been so many places, seen so many faces,
always on my way to something new . . .
but it doesn't matter, cuz no matter where I go,
every road leads back,
every road just seems to lead me back to you."

hi

So yeah, it's been a long time. I don't have internet at home yet, so it's a little tough. I've also been really busy since I started working and it seems I don't have time for anything. Maybe when things settle down a little more, and maybe I get some kind of internet service going, I'll post more. Life seems different now, kinda surreal. I think maybe the lack of sleep has something to do with that. I'm praying a lot about purpose and what I'm supposed to be doing. If you still read my blog, please pray for me too.

i can laugh

someone has again reminded me that I haven't been posting. I don't know how many people read this anyway. I keep feeling like I don't have much important to post. I've been thinking about a lot of stuff lately, and it's stuff that is really significant to me, but I don't know if it's all that significant to anyone else. I've been mostly encouraged. Getting a lot better about trusting that God is really good. Things in my life that have seemed so scary before aren't seeming so scary. I read proverbs 31 the other day and a verse really stuck out to me: "she can laugh at the days to come". I've been praying a lot about that lately, that's how I want to be. I don't want to worry about the days to come, but be able to laugh at them. No matter what happens, I know that I'm taken care of and I can approach my future with hope and joy.

mourning

Lately it seems like life is a constant state of mourning. You stop mourning one thing to find that you're mourning for someone or something else. I might sound a little strange saying this but I kinda like it. I like feeling my heart break for the brokenness of the world, for the loss of beautiful things. In the vast sea of my countless messed up responses, this feels like a light in the darkness. I'm doing something right. I feel God's heart in my mourning. I feel closer to Him because I'm doing what He's doing. And then I feel hopeful. And it makes me smile.

hilo rain

http://blog.myspace.com/index.cfm?fuseaction=blog.view&friendID=4684708&blogID=16066179&Mytoken=20050226213819

"sometimes the lessons we learn,
they don't need words to teach.
and some mistakes we have made,
we're bound to repeat.

it rained all day today.
i saw you in my dreams.
but my heart still sees you
a thousand miles across the sea.

chorus:
let the rain fall down
just like old Hilo town
i swear, when the rain falls down,
it feels like old Hilo town.

These city lights, they shine too bright
I cant see the stars that lie behind
I miss them sometimes
I miss you sometimes."

crazy

So I got a job offer and I accepted it. I guess this is what I've been waiting 8 months for. Finding a job so my life can be settled somehow. But now it seems like things are crazier than ever. I feel tired and stressed and no matter how much I sleep, I just feel like my body wants to shut down. I feel like I'm going insane. Let me tell you, stress and anxiety are horrible things. My body currently hates me because of it, and that just makes me worry more: should I do something about this, should I see someone about it? I feel like I don't know anything and it's freaking me out. I'm starting to question the stability of everything in my life (not that anything should be very stable except for God). I dunno, it doesn't make sense and I'm going insane. I just don't want to have to worry about anything anymore. I feel bad feeling like this, kinda defeatist or something, but it's how I feel so I decided to write it. I guess pray for me. I don't know how else you can help.

personality?

"INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately."

"Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them."

Lord have mercy

I keep wanting to say that I don't understand, but I do, only too well. What I don't understand is why some people succeed and others fail. Lord have mercy.

conviction

I don't really know what to write. It might be because I'm at work listening to a presentation on diet and cancer (so unable to give enough concentration to reflection) or the fact that my pride makes me reluctant to write about ways I've been wrong. Even though I don't seem to really be able to express anything right now, I do really want to acknowledge that God's been speaking to me, showing me that I need to change. I would like to be able to talk about this more in detail, and maybe I will later, but for now thank God for His grace: the ability to see my failings, hope that it won't always be that way, and enough motivation to know that it is more than worth it to change.

reflections on life

It seems that a lot of people are writing really reflective posts lately. It's funny, maybe everyone gets reflective at the same time, or maybe everyone seems like they're at some transition point in their lives. Either way, I've been reflective too. Seems that I might be moving more than once in the next couple weeks, things might change very drastically for me. I don't know if that is affecting my reflective mood. I keep wondering what I'm doing and why I'm where I'm at. I don't ever feel very safe. I never really want to be wherever I am, and don't know how to change that. I was praying this morning about knowing that wherever I am, God is there with me, that my "home" follows me wherever I go, and that where I am, I'm supposed to be there. But I can't escape this feeling of something being wrong all the time. I might just have to ignore it and move on. Usually when I don't ignore it, it does more harm than good. I might have an anxiety disorder. Hooray.

EIT is passed!!!!!

It has been so long that I almost forgot I took the test. With it being 8 hours long, that's a hard thing to forget. But I passed! Yay!

no moving this weekend

probably next. who knows?