Saturday, February 26, 2005

hilo rain

"sometimes the lessons we learn,
they don't need words to teach.
and some mistakes we have made,
we're bound to repeat.

it rained all day today.
i saw you in my dreams.
but my heart still sees you
a thousand miles across the sea.

let the rain fall down
just like old Hilo town
i swear, when the rain falls down,
it feels like old Hilo town.

These city lights, they shine too bright
I cant see the stars that lie behind
I miss them sometimes
I miss you sometimes."

Friday, February 18, 2005


So I got a job offer and I accepted it. I guess this is what I've been waiting 8 months for. Finding a job so my life can be settled somehow. But now it seems like things are crazier than ever. I feel tired and stressed and no matter how much I sleep, I just feel like my body wants to shut down. I feel like I'm going insane. Let me tell you, stress and anxiety are horrible things. My body currently hates me because of it, and that just makes me worry more: should I do something about this, should I see someone about it? I feel like I don't know anything and it's freaking me out. I'm starting to question the stability of everything in my life (not that anything should be very stable except for God). I dunno, it doesn't make sense and I'm going insane. I just don't want to have to worry about anything anymore. I feel bad feeling like this, kinda defeatist or something, but it's how I feel so I decided to write it. I guess pray for me. I don't know how else you can help.

Tuesday, February 08, 2005


"INFJs are champions of the oppressed and downtrodden. They often are found in the wake of an emergency, rescuing those who are in acute distress. INFJs may fantasize about getting revenge on those who victimize the defenseless. The concept of 'poetic justice' is appealing to the INFJ.

"There's something rotten in Denmark." Accurately suspicious about others' motives, INFJs are not easily led. These are the people that you can rarely fool any of the time. Though affable and sympathetic to most, INFJs are selective about their friends. Such a friendship is a symbiotic bond that transcends mere words.

INFJs have a knack for fluency in language and facility in communication. In addition, nonverbal sensitivity enables the INFJ to know and be known by others intimately."

"Although Counsleors tend to be private, sensitive people, and are not generally visible leaders, they nevertheless work quite intensely with those close to them, quietly exerting their influence behind the scenes with their families, friends, and colleagues. This type has great depth of personality; they are themselves complicated, and can understand and deal with complex issues and people.

Counselors can be hard to get to know. They have an unusually rich inner life, but they are reserved and tend not to share their reactions except with those they trust. With their loved ones, certainly, Counselors are not reluctant to express their feelings, their face lighting up with the positive emotions, but darkening like a thunderhead with the negative. Indeed, because of their strong ability to take into themselves the feelings of others, Counselors can be hurt rather easily by those around them, which, perhaps, is one reason why they tend to be private people, mutely withdrawing from human contact. At the same time, friends who have known a Counselor for years may find sides emerging which come as a surprise. Not that they are inconsistent; Counselors value their integrity a great deal, but they have intricately woven, mysterious personalities which sometimes puzzle even them.

Counselors have strong empathic abilities and can become aware of another's emotions or intentions -- good or evil -- even before that person is conscious of them."

Lord have mercy

I keep wanting to say that I don't understand, but I do, only too well. What I don't understand is why some people succeed and others fail. Lord have mercy.

Monday, February 07, 2005


I don't really know what to write. It might be because I'm at work listening to a presentation on diet and cancer (so unable to give enough concentration to reflection) or the fact that my pride makes me reluctant to write about ways I've been wrong. Even though I don't seem to really be able to express anything right now, I do really want to acknowledge that God's been speaking to me, showing me that I need to change. I would like to be able to talk about this more in detail, and maybe I will later, but for now thank God for His grace: the ability to see my failings, hope that it won't always be that way, and enough motivation to know that it is more than worth it to change.

Sunday, February 06, 2005

reflections on life

It seems that a lot of people are writing really reflective posts lately. It's funny, maybe everyone gets reflective at the same time, or maybe everyone seems like they're at some transition point in their lives. Either way, I've been reflective too. Seems that I might be moving more than once in the next couple weeks, things might change very drastically for me. I don't know if that is affecting my reflective mood. I keep wondering what I'm doing and why I'm where I'm at. I don't ever feel very safe. I never really want to be wherever I am, and don't know how to change that. I was praying this morning about knowing that wherever I am, God is there with me, that my "home" follows me wherever I go, and that where I am, I'm supposed to be there. But I can't escape this feeling of something being wrong all the time. I might just have to ignore it and move on. Usually when I don't ignore it, it does more harm than good. I might have an anxiety disorder. Hooray.