changes and life

I realize that I have really changed from that cheery, optimistic girl I was a couple years ago when I started this blog. I feel like the reality of the world, of my own weaknesses have broken my heart again.

I have been wondering about what that means. Have I gone backwards from where I was after God had healed me and restored my joy? As I have been thinking about this today, I have come to the realization that both sides of me are appropriate. We need to rejoice in who God is and what that means in our lives, and we need to mourn the state of things in the world.

Last night, Brian and I had what I would describe as an eye-opening experience. We encountered the brokenness of the world first hand in a way that really affected us and realized what it means to live in this city. We've both had some missions experience, and I would like to say I have had experience working in the inner city and dealing with the issues that people who live there face. This experience was different from my other experiences in a couple ways. First, I was never personally affected before. It was never like I was in any real danger or so personally involved before. I could just walk away. Last night I felt like I couldn't. Secondly, it was the first time, we've encountered it together. We both realized what it felt like to want to protect each other and to feel the guilt of not doing it well enough. We both felt sick to our stomaches, and I still do as I think back on it. But last night as we held each other and cried and prayed together over the brokenness all around us and in us, I felt something more meaningful than I have in a long time. Although I don't want to feel that all the time, I do want that meaning in my life, I do want our marriage to be us, together crying out to God.

sad

This cruelty, this hatred, how did it find us?

Did it steal into our lives, or did we seek it out and embrace it?

What happened to us?

That we now send our children into the world like we send young men to war...

Hoping for their safe return...

But knowing that some will be lost along the way.

When did we lose our way? Consumed by the shadows, swallowed whole by the darkness.

Does this darkness have a name?

Is it your name?

Usually, I don't like One Tree Hill, but this last week, I feel like it had a really good message, and was shocking in it's portrayal of high school violence. It's not as prominent as it is in middle school or high school, but social hierarchy is a problem, even in the adult world. We need to think about how we treat other people. I think that adults need to be told even more than children because it seems that we are the harder ones to teach. We think we are past that development phase and tend to have a harder time seeing that we are doing something wrong. I guess all I'm saying is love each other, love everyone, no matter how the world sees them, don't count people out.

pray for josh

I've been tutoring a boy named Josh over the last 9 months or so. He's in 9th grade, but has the mind of an 8 year old. You don't understand how hard it is for a boy like this to function in inner city Inglewood, until things like this happen . . .

Last week, Josh told his psychologist that he has tried to kill himself multiple times, that his mother has been beating him, that he will kill himself if they let him go back home. He is now being held at a mental hospital, but they will soon send him to a group home, as soon as they can get the court order to have him medicated. He now changed his mind and wants to go home to his grandmother, but no matter what she tries to do, she can't get him out. She can't figure out who's lying or telling the truth. She just doesn't want him medicated and shipped off to a group home, where she may not be able to visit him.

Throughout his life, he's been in and out of foster care. He and his sister have been in the care of his grandmother for the last couple years. Lately, Josh has gotten in more and more trouble, leading to his being suspended from school for threatening a security guard. He has been pushed through the school system and now in the 9th grade, he still cannot even multiply by 2. Recently, one of his good friends was the victim of a gang related crime. He has been jumped at the park, and beaten up. Another of his friends who he borrowed money from threatened to kill him if he didn't pay him back.

He doesn't understand the consequences of his actions, and in a place where the consequences of his actions are very serious. People expect him to understand, to act like a 15 year old, but he can't. Who knows? Maybe being in a group home may be what's best for him. I can't say. I don't have any answers for Josh or his poor grandmother. Please pray for them. Please pray that the system will not be so corrupt in this situation, that people who care will see the truth, and that the truth will matter. Pray that they can have faith that God is with them and is working things out.