changes and life

I realize that I have really changed from that cheery, optimistic girl I was a couple years ago when I started this blog. I feel like the reality of the world, of my own weaknesses have broken my heart again.

I have been wondering about what that means. Have I gone backwards from where I was after God had healed me and restored my joy? As I have been thinking about this today, I have come to the realization that both sides of me are appropriate. We need to rejoice in who God is and what that means in our lives, and we need to mourn the state of things in the world.

Last night, Brian and I had what I would describe as an eye-opening experience. We encountered the brokenness of the world first hand in a way that really affected us and realized what it means to live in this city. We've both had some missions experience, and I would like to say I have had experience working in the inner city and dealing with the issues that people who live there face. This experience was different from my other experiences in a couple ways. First, I was never personally affected before. It was never like I was in any real danger or so personally involved before. I could just walk away. Last night I felt like I couldn't. Secondly, it was the first time, we've encountered it together. We both realized what it felt like to want to protect each other and to feel the guilt of not doing it well enough. We both felt sick to our stomaches, and I still do as I think back on it. But last night as we held each other and cried and prayed together over the brokenness all around us and in us, I felt something more meaningful than I have in a long time. Although I don't want to feel that all the time, I do want that meaning in my life, I do want our marriage to be us, together crying out to God.